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"Help Me" 2014-09-07 - 11:27 p.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I wish I wasn't getting drunk on a sunday night, when I have to work early tomorrow I wish I wasn't in love with someone who's dating someone else I wish my best friend wasn't also in love with her and somehow holds that against me or something cause fuck knows he doesn't hang out with me anymore it's like... he's changed so much we used to be so close for a decade that's the longest relationship I've ever had with anyone now he barely talks to me and... he's such an asshole now for ten years he was my best friend the only man I trusted, the only person I would trust with my life really, the only one it was a big deal for me now I can barely stand to talk to him what the fuck? I did right by him, I really did I know I'm not perfect but it wasn't me this time he... he did this ha we were exactly like Shane and Rick from Walking Dead as cliche as it is if I'd written a story about the three of us, I never would've ended it the way it actually ended because it would've been too fucking cliche but that's what happened it breaks my heart except I didn't stab him sometimes I wish I had one of the last times we actually hung out I came out of the bathroom, and he put his gun in my hand, and pulled it to his head, and said "I'm giving you the first shot" and I know it was loaded, cause the first thing I did was eject the magazine and empty the chamber but God help me sometimes I wish I'd pulled the trigger and it doesn't matter it's not like we're surrounded by zombies real life isn't life or death ironically enough and we get along ok we don't talk anymore, at all we never see each other outside of work but I'm scared to go shooting with him because I'll never forget that he said he gave me the "first" shot and I've been shooting with him since then, and obviously I'm still here but it seems like he's getting worse more self righteous more self centered more intent on provoking confrontation it worries me and I want to help him but if there's one thing about him; that was true even in the good days it's that he can't take help for shit he makes you feel like you're the asshole for helping him and I just don't know anymore and then G____ I'm starting to feel really stupid for loving her and it's such a fucked situation because we went out friday and... over time things are getting better she's talking about dumping him more and more and she's saying she's "dating" me now, to see how things go even though she's still with him and it's like: am I really this much of a sucker? there's always two things that keep me from walking away though: one: where would I go? Seriously? I've had three actual girlfriends my whole life I've been over this, I'm pretty sure but I mean, it's not like if I wasn't pining away for her I'd be getting laid and starting some new fantastic relationship if I gave up on her I'd just be alone and bitter for years until the next chick happened to fall into my sights and even then she'd probably be like: "I love you, and you're so awesome, but I like this other guy too, and in the end I'm gonna choose him" so I mean... and two: I've invested a lot in this I mean, sure maybe that's not a great reason, maybe that just happens but seriously: a month ago she told me she was over me and had moved on in the past three weeks she's told me she's ready to leave him for me three times of course, every time she goes up there to see him and I just... am I stupid? is she really worth it? all this pain, this heartache, this anxiety? I felt the same about L_____ and S_____ who's to say I couldn't feel the same about K______? or who-fucking-ever? but then it just goes in circles? and really, I guess, what does it matter? no one's watching who's here to tell me I'm stupid for doing this? no one's hurting but me and I'm gonna hurt either way I guess if anything that sums it up: I'm going to hurt either way at least hoping for her, I have the hope that maybe she'd come back there's a happy ending possible the other way it's all misery until the next time and... honestly I'm getting more and more scared there won't be a next time what can I say? I'm scared every day that I won't ever be able to improve my situation in every aspect romance is a pretty small part of that except for the fact that romance is the one aspect I may have hope for except for the fact that she's probably fucking that dude right now and laughing at me I hate this I hate myself I hate everything she gives me hope but then again I guess they all did God, this is so miserable is this really all there is? just this, over and over? I don't know how you all do it how you get up every day I don't know how I'm supposed to do it for another thirty or so years this has got to be hell I must have succeeded in one of my suicide attempts, or died on one of all those occasions I came close but was "miraculously saved" as a kid this has got to be hell � � |