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"alone" 2003-01-14 - 12:29 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I'm so lonely learning songs on guitar and watching taped She-Ra episodes is no replacement for friendship my mom brought up how I'm always at home again she's always bugging me about going back to school or getting a job she can't quite grasp that I can't she asked me: "don't you get lonely?" I gave her some BS response, blew her off I always do that but I am I'm desperately lonely I really need someone to talk to to hold me to be there for me like I've tried to be there for you I'm not pointing fingers I'm beyond that it's pointless last night I wrote about how I didn't matter to anyone and all day I've been checking my e-mail every ten mintues hoping for some responce someone to say: "Brett, you do matter" but no dice and I'd give anything for someone but there's no one all I've got is my diary white type on a black screen me talking to myself I'm the only friend I've ever had and it'll always be that way I was torn away from everyone I felt close to up until now but at least being torn away saved me from finding out that I didn't mean to them what they meant to me up until now even Raven my "role model" the wrestler that I foolishly base so much of my life on has turned his back on me he hasn't given a promo in forever no more speeches no more insight into his "inner pain" he's ditched his attire first he went from grunge to goth I did the opposite, but at least he was different now he wears black briefs just like almost everyone else and he cut his hair just like everyone else no he's no different than anyone else my "role model" has turned into a placeholder for what used to be something meaningful wrestling's fake and the character was just that, a character but through that character through that archetype I found guidance but now the character's gone and even people I valued from afar have left me no one reads this anymore I'm typing to myself but myself is the only one who will listen and myself is the only one who will talk to me I used to hate myself just like all my "friends" do now look in the mirror and abhor what stared back at me hate the way I acted hate the way I thought hate the way I was hate who I was hate what I was but no more not for a long time now because all I've got is myself there's no one else � � |