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"Honestly" 2003-01-15 - 2:40 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj did you ever not realize something that was obvious to everyone else? there was a very prophetic episode of Yu-Yu-Hakusho(an anime show I like) on tonight. It was the first episode again, but it's the first time I've seen all of it Yuske(the hero) gets killed(saving a kid from getting hit by a car) and since he was otherwise kind of a jerk the Spirit World didn't expect him to sacrifice himself for the kid, so they didn't have a place ready for him so they give him the chance to earn a second chance at life at first he turns it down, but they send him to see his own wake before he makes up his mind and of course, seeing all these people he doesn't realize care about him crying over his body changes his mind but the moral of my long-winded story is that I should open my eyes and realize that more people care about me than I'm aware of probably insecurity has been one of my biggest problems, it's been with me all my life; and not without cause from before I can remember, my dad has been insulting me just screwing around, but before I knew the difference then my "friends" going from second grade all through seventh, the whole time I was growing up treated me like shit made fun of me constantly I was never their friend, I was their verbal punching bag and on a few occasions their physical one and the few friends I've found who were friendly with me were torn away then all the girls who've turned me down over the years every last one of 'em just Alane didn't, but she didn't realize what she was getting into it was better for both of us but one girlfriend that I had nothing in common with over eighteen years of life(with my virginity intact) is pretty sad if there's one thing my life has taught me, through all those lessons is that people don't like me so when I do find someone who says they care about me, I have... -well, "trouble" would be a gross understatement- ...accepting it so sometimes I freak out send my friends wierd e-mails I don't know what kind of reaction I'm hoping for with this I just want to explain why I am the way I am why it's so hard for me to get close to people and yet how often I express the desire to do so when your formative years were spent with everyone who you value telling you you don't mean shit, and constantly reminding you of that you get programmed that A)you are shit and B)that's what everyone's always going to tell you so all I'm hoping for is someone who can be my best friend as childish as that sounds and what it takes for me to accept that is far more than what it takes for just about everyone else even other screwed up people and to be honest, Stephanie is the person I value most as if you all couldn't figure that out Stephanie's who I want to be my best friend, because I feel such a connection with her and for one there's little dumb things like how I always call her rather than her calling me or how we haven't had a really deep discussion in quite some time or even how she never mentions me in her diary but those are dumb shallow things the main thing is with Evan her and Evan are best friends I'm second banana and I'm not trying to say I'm jealous I'm not saying I want that to change I'm saying that's the way things are and because of that, it really feeds my insecurities usually she'll tell me "I don't know if I can do anything, I might be busy" and yet I call and Evan is always there is this dumb? yes is this shallow? yes is this childish as all hell? yes can I help it? no not without lots of therapy and help but the fact is that's the way I see things and not that I want to "break up" Evan and Steph I didn't rejoice when they fought(hell, you can go back and read my diary for proof) it's not like Evan specifically bothers me or anything I guess the main thing is just that I really am jealous as much as I hate to admit it it's not like I want Evan gone or anything but we used to be a group the three of us and I loved that I loved that so much but now it's the two of them and I'm old news I would love to live together with all three of us but now it seems to be the two of them with me in the background but I don't know *sigh* I'm an asshole if you both want to get insulted and scream at me feel free I more than deserve it hell, I think somewhere deep down in my subconscious it's what I'm waiting for I don't know that's the way I see things is it good? not at all I'm fucked up I'm a creep and I'm a jerk but at least I'm honest about it but on the upside, I talked to Jeanisdead on IM for the first time she's really cool talking to her is eerily like talking to Robyn... but it's not like I don't enjoy that so yeah, both groovy people I don't know even though I kind of ended this with things that will make people angry, I just hope that the message I was trying to convey got through I don't expect that to excuse the asshole things I say or do, but I'm hoping that at least from now on you'll know why but whatever Sweet Dreams I need an easy friend I do need an ear to lend I do think you fit this shoe I do hope you have a clue but I can't see you every night... � � |