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"I Disappear" 2003-01-12 - 11:06 p.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj wow, two entries in one night haven't done that in awhile I've got "Nothing else matters" by Metallica stuck in my head but that's not what I want to say I want to say that I don't matter and it's true not to Steph not to Robyn not to anyone just about nowhere do I get any reaction some days in school I used to stand next to my seat and spin around in place to see if anyone would notice no one ever did and while I guess I kind of like it that way from most people it's not a nice feeling to know you don't matter to the people who matter most to you there's a fan site for Raven that I go to I post on the forums alot long, well thought out posts no one ever responds they just continue the thread like I didn't even post shallow example, I know but an apt one, even if not overtly meaningful I can't help anyone 'cause I don't mean anything to them maybe they enjoy haning out with me maybe I amuse them but they don't feel any bond or deep connection with me I'm just another face in the gang another guy who shows up when everyone gets together the one with the van that usually drives everywhere don't get me wrong, I enjoy driving; I'm glad I drive everywhere but that's far from the point I like Evan and Cody and Catherine but those two mean a lot to me Steph and Robyn hell, just go back and read my last entry to see how much Stephanie means to me and go back one more to see a brief anecdote about Robyn sure, it may not be as much as what I wrote about Stephanie and it doesn't do justice to my feelings but it's there but I don't mean anything to them well, not nearly as much as they mean to me some shit hair-metal song from the eighties is coming to mind; I think it might have been that "more than a feeling" song I'm remembering the "you'll forget about me after I've been gone" part I'm waiting a year after I graduate from high school until they graduate it kind of worked out being better for me anyway but the original motivation was so that I could stay with them I would gladly ruin my plans, blow them all to hell just so I could stay with them on their whim as I keep saying over and over and fucking over I've been hoping Stephanie would want to live with me after high school but she doesn't and she won't when high school's over she'll tell me goodbye head off into her future and I'll go to college alone and she'll forget about me Robyn will go to art college someplace in Europe maybe and never think back to that kid who bossed her around in her first band I'm a footnote in the stories of their lives and nothing more just like everyone else I've ever known everyone else that I've met over the many fucking places I've lived Steve in New Jersey Greg, who used to live here now Steph and Robyn footnotes to them volumes to me fuck Sweet fucking Dreams Do you bury me when I'm gone? Do you teach me while I'm here? Just as soon as I belong Then it's time I disappear � � |