A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"Venus & Mars" 2017-12-06 - 2:04 a.m.

If you've been keeping up with this (for whatever reason), you know about my trans issues.

Lately I'm starting to think I don't understand women.

Of course, G___ said she didn't understand women either.

And yeah, it's all societal.

At least men are straightfroward. We say what we mean and mean what we say.

Not that men aren't assholes, they are.

But women are so hypocritical.

I mean, I guess everybody's shitty.

I don't understand men either. I don't understand anyone.

So, you know

I don't understand anybody; or feel kinship to anyone; but I feel more comfortable with boobs and a vag and wearing skirts

yet I was born with a dick and have been wearing jeans my whole life

so where do I go with that?

Not that it matters. It's all academic anyway.

I'll never have the money to transition, so unless I find a genie it's all just wishful thinking.

What I wonder about more these days is: maybe we each have our role to play.

Maybe, like D&D, everyone has their class and they just have to roll with it or they'll fuck up the whole party.

Maybe some people are just meant to be the rock for others.

Maybe some of us don't get to be weak, or scared, or sad; maybe we don't get to get everything we want. Maybe we're here to make others happy.

I don't even know anymore.

Is that even really noble?

Giving up what you want to make other people happy.

If you can't have both.

If you being happy means everyone else is miserable, and you being unhappy means everyone else is happy;

unhappy is better than miserable, right?

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few; and if everyone else wants me to be one thing, then it's better for me to be that thing, right?

Who even judges?

What's the moral standing on sacrificing what you want for others, or just making yourself happy like every-fucking-one else ever?

I can't ever admit how shitty I feel, or how scared I am; or how much I want to be a woman, because it just makes everyone angry.

Yet if I play my role, and take on their problems, it makes them happy. So at least somebody is.

Most of them are.

I think.

I just keep going around in circles and circles and circles.

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