"Use Once And Destroy" 2017-07-08 - 3:03 a.m.

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So, I met a new girl;

R___

She's great.

She's everything good about G___ and everything I wished she was.

She's basically perfect.

I don't even care about G___ anymore.

All I think about when I think about her is the shit she was bad at; and the shit R___'s better at.

But, I gave her my heart.

I don't think she has it anymore. She threw it away.

She made that perfectly clear.

But I can't give it to R___; because I don't have it either.

This is everything I was afraid of.

This is why I chased G___ after it was clearly over; after she didn't love me anymore; after everyone in the world new she wasn't any good for me; after I knew there was nothing there.

Because I gave her my heart.

And there's nothing there now but a low, mournful sound and a dull ache.

I fucked up.

I was wrong about everything.

So I threw everything I had at her, all my mentally ill bullshit; all my naive notions. I put it ALL into her.

And it didn't work out.

So now I have someone new; someone better.

And she is better.

And I don't have anything left.

I let K___ go because I never felt anything for her; not really.

I still feel bad about it; because I know she felt things for me.

But I just didn't.

But I feel stuff for R___. I want to give her my heart; I want to be there for her no matter what.

But it's just empty now.

I have nothing to give.

I didn't want G___ back because she was perfect; or because she was even good.

God, she had so many problems; WE had so many problems.

But she had my heart.

And now I've got this wonderful, amazing woman. I've got everything I ever wanted.

But I have nothing to offer in return.

I think about it all the time.

About opening up; giving her everything like I did with G___;

but I can't.

I literally can't.

Like it's not there anymore.

And I don't even know if I'm just crazy, or if I'm playing it safe.

Because I thought G___ was my true love; my movie; my cartoon; my be all end all.

And she took that from me.

She took it and she left.

And now I can't give it to the woman who deserves it.

Because all I can think is:

"What happens when she ends up like G___?"

Fuck me.

She needs me.

She needs me the way I need her.

But... I'm empty.

Hollow.

Because I gave it all to a dumb junkie who didn't give a fuck about me.

And she doesn't deserve that.

R___

She deserves everything.

The best I can be.

But I'm just empty.

I'm afraid.

I think about opening up and exposing what fledgling new heart I'm growing; and all I can see is fire.

All I can feel is the pain when she goes away.

And if I could just open up; she wouldn't go away.

God, give me strength.

I hope somehow, some way; G___ feels something like this. Not for me; I know better than that. But I hope she knows what this feels like.

And yeah, it was my fault.

I was stupid, and naive;

every fucking dumb thing I could've been.

But Goddamnit I gave it my all; with a good heart. I tried so hard.

And she just didn't care.

And now I have someone who deserves it; and I'm just broken.

And I can't even talk to her about it; because she's broken too.

She needs 110% of me.

So that's what life is, I guess.

Everyone needs all of you; all the time.

So you give it.

You fake it; and you pump it out. You become the greatest actor in the world.

Because they all need it.

And no one ever needs to know that you're dead inside.

Because if you ever asked for a fraction of what you give them; they'd leave you.

They don't care.

I got everything I ever wanted.

Everything I ever wished for in those dark times after G___.

But I'm still the same husk.

The same shattered pile of glass in the shape of a man.

And she wants to have kids.

She wants me to give her everything; and also give them everything; and show them how to live and how to be good people.

What the fuck am I supposed to tell them?

"It'll hurt all the time; forever. But don't ever let anyone know, because they'll only look down on you."

"No matter how much they love you; at the end of the day; they only care about you in as much as you can give them."

Fuck, I'm being hyperbolic.

I have people who care about me.

Even tonight; I had people go out of their way and give of themselves to make me happy.

But I still have to type this here.

I just have to keep faking it, for all of them.

Always push the good stuff up top.

I just wish this stuff would go away.

Our love is the size of

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