"Gethsemane" 2016-06-29 - 3:11 a.m.

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I know it's cool to be an atheist nowadays; but I've always had a strong belief in God.

I don't think it's an old white man in a robe; but I believe there is a higher power and "God" is as good a word for it as any.

I've felt His influence throughout my entire life.

But lately I just can't help but wonder why he made me this way.

If I was meant to be a woman, why wasn't I born as one?

If I was meant to be a man, why don't I feel like one?

and if I'm meant to be trans; why the hell is it so Goddamn hard?

I dream about it every day, but the truth is I don't think I'll ever come up with the money to transition.

And I just don't get it.

I may not believe in any particular religion but I do have faith; and the fact that I'm stuck like this honestly makes me doubt.

Is there some purpose to me being born a man, but feeling like a woman?

Is this my penance for something?

To spend my earthly life feeling disconnected from my body? To have everyone I know and love at a distance because they're never really seeing the real me?

I believe in an afterlife; and I don't believe in hell and I seriously doubt there's a heaven; I just know there's something.

So I believe that when I get there, whether it's tomorrow or sixty-some odd years from now; I'll finally be able to be the real me.

But what purpose does it serve to have me live my entire life as something else?

Am I wrong?

Am I meant to be a man all along and I'm just confused?

I don't understand.

And I don't know what to do.

oh lord, don't set my fields a-fire

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