"Are You Happy?" 2016-06-04 - 3:36 a.m.

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I watched a (very good) comedy special tonight; which I won't name because I want to keep this un-searchable;

but at the end he posed the question: "you're everything you ever hated, are you happy?"

and the old me would've agreed with him 100%;

but I know that's just not true.

For maybe the first time in my life, I'm happy in my skin. I'm happy with who I am; I'm -generally- happy with what I'm doing; and I'm happy with where I'm going.

But it does ring true on a few points.

Since G___ and I broke up; I've slept with a fair amount of women. My friends from college would laugh at the amount; they slept with way more; but it feels like a lot to me.

And honestly I'm shocked by how easy it is.

It didn't used to be. But at the age I am now and with the women I'm dating; things are much simpler; and we've all been through the wringer; so me just being nice and genuine is new to them and they love it and I can get right in there.

And it's not that I care about the sex. I honestly don't anymore.

What bothers me is that I am becoming exactly what I always hated.

I always meet these girls hoping for a relationship; and no matter what flaws there are I always think "it'll be ok, if something's really there we'll make it work."

But it's not. And so we have sex; which is always their idea by the way; I never even ask for it.

And then I leave because it's just not there. And so I kinda become one of those guys who just fucks and leaves; and I never wanted that.

But I always go into it with the best intentions; life just never works out that way.

And I hate to place blame; but it really is all because of G___.

I always believed in love.

Above all things; I believed in love.

There was true love out there; and once I found it it would change everything; and I would live and die for this woman; and she would live and die for me; and we'd take on the world together.

And I thought I found that with her; but God was I wrong.

And so she really did break my heart.

Not in the metaphorical sense; in the real, genuine sense.

Ever since her; and M_____;

I can't trust anyone.

I keep my friends at arm's length.

I never open up to anyone.

I'm seeing someone new now.

K___.

(the amount of underscores is different than K_____)

and she's great.

I love being with her.

But I don't love her.

And I hate that about myself.

I always have fun with her; but when I look at our relationship; all I see are the cracks which will become fault lines which will tear us apart.

And maybe they won't. That's the hope, right?

But I just can't open myself up anymore.

To anyone.

M_____ and G___ broke me.

And in that sense I really have become everything I ever hated.

Because I always believed. And even though other people were assholes I was always better; and I always put myself out there; and I always did my best.

But I don't anymore.

There's always a buffer.

There's no one in my life right now that I could lose that would change anything for me.

They're all safely behind the wall.

And that's not a healthy way to live.

That's not what I wanted to be.

But I am happy.

So is that the trade off?

You can open yourself up and let them hurt you; or close yourself and be happy but keep them away?

That's a shitty trade.

I don't like it, but I don't have a better answer right now.

So yeah, this comedy special tripped me up more than I thought it would.

it's a capitol kind of...

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