"karambit" 2015-07-05 - 3:05 a.m.

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I play a lot of stealth games.

Most of them make a big deal about: "knock your enemies out, don't kill them; it's murder if you kill them."

My logic is: if they turned around and saw me, they'd kill me without a second thought. If I let them live, they will most likely go on to kill others; potentially my friends, my comrades, maybe innocents.

And yeah, maybe there's the whole "they could wake up and turn their life around" but really...

just, really?

and let's be realistic, my point is:

in real life, everyone is just out for themselves

people throw each other away like garbage every fucking day

we have all this shit; the bible, children's books and programming, videogames;

telling us to be good to our fellow man, to treat others better than we treat ourselves

and like a jackass, I fell for it

nobody else does

God knows all I ever get for being selfless is walked on

my best friend for ten Goddamn years

M_____,

he falls in love with my girlfriend, and then those fucking ten years don't matter worth a shit

I told him to his face I forgave him for fucking her; that he was my best friend; that I wanted to hang out with him; that I'd do whatever it took so we could spend time together

we barely talk

and G___

the "love of my life"

she talked all that good shit when we were together,

and God knows I tried to make it work

even breaking up with her was a last-ditch gambit; an outside shot that that would finally get the message across and get her to come back to me and start working on fixing things

but no; she left like a fucking cartoon

just a whip crack noise and some newspapers blowing in the wind

all the time I spent trying to win her back, and for what?

God, I hope she wasn't laughing at me behind my back about it

but that's about how serious she took it

and I could give countless examples;

I mean, I have known more people in my life than your average person

where are they now?

I'm all alone

I'm not saying I'm perfect. Or even a good person.

Given just how many people I've known, I'd say like 96% of those relationships lapsed due to my choice

bare minimum

but still;

I'm sitting here with a 100% failure rate

either I am a drop-dead horrible Goddamn person

or everybody else is

lol

I'm really my own worst critic

I have 0 self-esteem, a massive inferiority complex; etc etc

so when I can look back at myself and my actions and say that most of the time I do the right thing and put others first;

and I'm not saying 100%; I can be selfish sometimes;

but after all that I'm still completely alone...

and look, let's not even generalize it

the most important relationships I've had have wound up with me getting screwed, and for what?

because they wanted something

everything else I gave them didn't matter, they wanted that, so I got burned in sacrifice

and what about what I wanted?

None of them were willing to give it

I just...

I can't really deserve that, can I?

maybe I'm wrong about myself; maybe I am an asshole, or a shitty person;

but I can't deserve this, can I?

so fuck it

I'm not looking for people to kill;

I could go my whole life without killing anyone and feel pretty happy about it

but if it comes down to it; if I'm on some "mission" and they're in my way and I'm behind them with a knife?

fuck 'em; slit throats all the Goddamn way

this world is a shitty, ugly place

and nothing I do makes a difference

apparently I'm just as shitty as everyone else; if not more

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