"Hang Down Your Head" 2015-10-17 - 6:20 a.m.

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Things have been rough for me lately.

I pretty much lost my job; decided to run away to Portland.

Unfortunately the zeitgeist of that town is over; because of people like me who heard how cool it was and decided to check it out. I was five years too late to that party.

So now I'm back in Tucson, planning to move to Mesa.

But the only job I could find on getting back is part time, and taking a month off to check out a new city put me behind on my bills. If I could've just found a full-time job I'd be fine; but only being part time I'm just not making enough money to actually get ahead.

The pay's decent but it's just not enough, so I'm treading water just to stay fucked.

The biggest problem is I had to give up my health insurance, which means I had to ween myself off my meds.

I forgot just how crippling my depression is without them.

Or maybe it just seems worse because now I know what it's like to live without it.

I need to be looking for a new job or some other way to make money; something to improve my life, but all I can bring myself to do is binge on videogames or alcohol; anything to keep myself from thinking.

Although alcohol's not great for that. I'm actually drinking a lot less than I was before; but now when I drink I do it hard, which is not great.

I'm finding myself trapped in the old loop of just wanting to kill myself, but knowing I can't bring myself to do it.

I still think about G___ all the time.

I wish I didn't, I really do.

I've finally been able to accept the fact that she wasn't special, and neither was what we had.

Although now I find myself wondering if anything can be special; if it's even worth trying to date anymore because it doesn't seem like anyone, or any relationship, would actually mean anything.

It's all just comfortable lies we tell ourselves to not have to face reality;

which is that in the end everyone only really cares about themselves.

And other people only matter to they extent that they give you what you want.

I've tried to fight it, and put others' needs before my own, and be a "good person";

and all it's gotten me is walked on.

I mean, it's not like "dating" has done me a hell of a lot of good anyway.

For the past two years I've tried harder than ever before to find a girlfriend.

Going out all the time, dressing sharp; trying dating site after dating site; hitting up friends of friends.

I've been on a bunch of dates, had a ton of awkward conversations; even had my first one night stand.

And still nothing.

And through it all I can't shake the idea of G___ someday coming back to me. Breaking up with her current boyfriend and tracking me down and trying to rekindle things.

She never will, I'm being silly.

But honestly I don't even know what I'd say to her.

She salted the earth so badly after we broke up, trying to get me to "move on" so she could be happy with her new man, that I don't think I could ever just be with her with no reservations and have a real relationship with her ever again.

And maybe that's for the best.

But the reason I can't let her go is that it felt so good to be loved.

None of my friends have given me that feeling, and to be fair friends usually don't.

My family loves me but they have a shit way of showing it.

They usually make me feel worse, which is why I'm trying to hard to get away from them.

And the relationships (such as they were) that I had before G___ didn't even come close to what I had with her.

She was the only one who really just Loved me.

And it's really hard to walk away from that, even though I should have years ago.

I didn't even need my meds when I was with her, during the good times anyway;

it just felt so Goddamn good.

And seeing it now for what it was; a consensual lie...

It fucking hurts.

And knowing that even if I found it again in the future, it would be that same mutual lie...

it's crushing in a way that my depression is just having a field day with.

I literally do not see the point in going on anymore.

I have nothing left to hope for, nothing left to look forward to.

There's nothing that I'm passionate about, nothing that I'm excited for;

being trans turned out not to be the path for me,

and love, the one thing I believed in above all else,

is just...

it's what we tell ourselves.

It's the biggest lie there is.

No one has anyone in their life that they couldn't live without; that they couldn't cut off contact with; that they couldn't grow to hate.

And by contrast you can love anyone. Whether you know them for a moment or a lifetime; whether you have everything in common or nothing.

It's just a thing we do as people, we pick someone and decide we love them, and we play our little game with them until we don't feel like it anymore, or until they don't; or until it's ended for us.

And then most people move on and pick somebody else.

But me, I feel like I can see it all.

I can see the machinery, the manipulations, the self delusion.

I see the skull beneath the skin.

And I don't think it will ever hold the same joy for me that it does for others.

I can't just enjoy the magic, I'm that asshole who always has to explain how the trick is done.

I think another reason I'm so hung up on G___ is that she might be the one person who could prove me wrong.

She might be the one person who could come back, and show me that I was right the first time; that what we had was special; that love is real.

But she won't.

She's happy with her new man, and even if that falls through she's not interested in me anymore.

Plus putting in work to fix something is not something she does.

So that's over.

And maybe I'll meet someone else again someday, and maybe I'll even convince myself that I love them.

But I'll always know that that's all it is: me convincing myself.

And besides, I probably won't.

Plenty of people go their whole lives without getting into a real relationship; end up alone.

I'm an introvert with severe depression and social anxiety.

I barely have any friends anymore, I work alone, and I don't plan on going back to school.

What are the sheer odds I'm just gonna bump into someone that I make that connection with?

Hell, what are the odds I'll find it even when I'm looking?

I don't understand why I can't kill myself.

I don't know what I'm holding out for, what I think will happen.

I guess it's the same reason I keep buying lottery tickets.

The odds of winning are mathematically insignificant; but what the hell.

I already know what's gonna happen if I don't play, and the worst that happens if I do is that nothing changes.

Maybe I'll get lucky.

God knows it's the only way I'll ever get ahead.

I wish I still felt driven to create.

To channel this through song, or prose, or art.

Now it all just feels masturbatory; and not in the fun way where I cum at the end.

It feels more like building a sandcastle on an empty beach.

Putting in all that time and effort, only for no one to see it and the tide to wash it away.

Might as well just sit here and enjoy the view.

Except the view sucks and it smells like fish and rotten kelp.

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