"Disposable" 2014-11-23 - 3:47 a.m.

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I always wonder:

if I quit being a faggot and finally killed myself,

would the people in my life be like:

"I could tell he was in trouble, I should've done something."

or would they say it came out of nowhere and they had no idea

if they knew how often I think about it they'd take my guns away and lock me in an institution

I'm thinking more and more about institutionalizing myself, to be honest

if I thought it would help I'd do it

but I hate to talk about myself unless I'm shitfaced

and I don't think they serve alcohol in mental facilities

and even when people do offer me advice I never fucking listen

I mean, you don't think I'm not aware of my situation?

all I have to do is be confident

it's just that easy

just forget thirty years of rejection and failure and tell this next chick that I'm worth her time

that I'm a good person and blah blah blah

they don't care

no one cares

I still can't just walk up and be like "hey girl, I'm awesome and have a big dick and you should date me"

so I lose

and I do have a big dick

and... I am pretty awesome depending on your criteria

but it doesn't matter

I can't just vomit it all over everyone I meet so I'm some kinda lepper piece of shit that doesn't matter

seriously girls, give a chance to the guy who comes on weak; and is sweet and shy and etc

but whatever

I know what it's like to be a girl

when I went to chatrooms being "myself"

and yeah, shy guys are fucking annoying

the guy with confidence is the one you want to talk to

it's why I don't get mad

I know how shitty I am

I know why no one wants to date me

that's my real tragedy, if anything is

I understand all my flaws

I see them all, glaring as daylight

and I can't fix them

they're just there

and I'd have to change everything about myself to fix them

I've been trying for thirty years

I've just learned to accept that I've always be like this

because I literally can't fix it

"I can't beat myself"

but no one cares

no one cares about my struggle

lawl

I don't blame them

I just wish I had the balls to kill myself, cause God knows this isn't going to get better

I'm a miserable piece of shit and I always will be

and no one cares

fuck yeah

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