"Daylight" 2014-07-10 - 1:12 a.m.

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sure, so as soon as I decide to take a look at my notes and see who's writing them; diaryland's servers go down so I can't actually see any diaries

I'm not as drunk as I usually am when I come here; it makes me feel alien; like I'm trespassing

on myself

which is kinda sexy, if you know what I mean

see? that's the kinda shit I say normally; when I'm not hammered and on the verge of suicide

I'm a little drunk though

ok, more than a little

I just came off of one of the blackest depressions of my life

I really thought I was gonna kill myself that time

I've been drinking every night for three days straight; each night thinking that I was working up to it

it sounds so pathetic when my reason is still working

my first entry from saturday sums up all the reasons why

the next day after I wrote that G___ posted on fb the official status that she got together with that guy

it was the absolute worst timing I've ever heard of

killed me

...almost literally

and then I don't know, today I just kinda... got better

...

...

...

so I'm drunk but not particularly depressed; and I wanted to finish my beer before I went to sleep

so I went to look at my notes when I might actually remember them

and of course, none of the diaries are loading

but I managed to see a cached entry of mine

and it's bizarre

I mention in here all the time how this is the "dark side" of my personality

and the "dumping ground" for all the worst of the horrible shit I feel

but even though the entry I saw was only three months old

and is still valid in terms of what I was saying

it was like reading someone else's diary

I don't know what I'm trying to say

I'm kinda just killing time til I finish my beer

but really I guess I'm kinda reinforcing that... yeah; i-lost-alice is a whole different me

it's the 3 AM drunk as fuck absolutely miserable me

the "it's kill myself or write on diaryland" me

I don't know why I feel the need to point that out

maybe because if people are reading [which now they verifiably are]

it can offer a sense of hope?

that it doesn't have to be like this all the time

maybe to distance myself from the kid I was when I started writing this

who was "i-lost-alice me" all the time

maybe to remind myself that it's not like this all the time

or just to verify to myself

I don't know

I feel guilty being here

like I'm playing in someone else's sandbox

that's probably pretty telling

finished my beer a few lines back

should go to bed but debating getting whiskey

watch me come back in twenty minutes all miserable

I don't know, no moral this time kids

just Eddie Brock checking in

har har

if this doesn't save/post I don't think it'll be a great waste to anyone

Sweet Dreams

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