"If I Were A Boy" 2014-03-09 - 4:31 a.m.

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no one reads this.

I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.

I want so badly for someone to listen to my shit and help me

but I know it'll never happen

there is no one out there who cares about my shit

that is a proven fact

and I guess that's ok

cause I always feel so embarrassed about my shit

and it gives me strength

"There's No Help Coming" has become my mantra

fix your own shit

more accurately

I mean, they say all this shit about how human beings are social creatures

and "no man is an island"

and etc

but I mean...

then there's me

I literally have NO ONE to talk to

never have

ever

and I guess to be perfectly honest I would've killed myself if I had the balls

but I don't

so I'm stuck in the middle

*instrumental*

I just...

to be who I feel like I am, there's all these surgeries, and all this social stigma; and it costs all this money, and has these very serious health risks, and I could lose so many people, and I'll never really be a woman

or I can be what I am now, and save myself all that trouble

and probably never ever be really happy

but I don't know if doing it will make me happy either

not til it's done

and all I want is someone to talk to, but there is literally no one

just this same white box I've had since high school

how sad is that?

I'm mere months from turning 30, and it's saturday night, and I'm still here typing in this fucking box so no one can read it

I guess the only difference is now I'm drunk

and I'm not bitching about my shitty high-school friends

I finally grew the balls to consider transitioning; so now I can bitch about that

it's all a joke

mother forgive me

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