"Misery" 2011-02-02 - 4:35 a.m.

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this isn't working anymore

I tried to get drunk tonight, it didn't go quite as planned

trust me to fuck up the only thing I seem to be able to do, right?

so I'm mostly sober

and...

I read some of the "lyrics" I've been writing lately, the other day

I put it in quotation marks because they're not really lyrics

the rhyme scheme is pathetic, the rhythm is fucked;

I had always characterized them as whiny;

but reading them sober, and in a good mood, they scared me

they're the most vitriolic, self-hating diatribes I've ever read

and what scares me is that it was me

it's not like I got drunk, and that's what came out; and I could just say: "ok, no more drinking"

I was depressed, and I happened to be drunk; and that's what I did.

I can't cut back on my depression, or quit it somehow

I mean, fuck, if you know how to do that, please tell me

but I mean...

if this is what my life has come to,

if that's the person I am;

and none of this is working...

L___ is planning to move to Reno

maybe, I guess

he was convinced when he first told me; now it seems like a "maybe" thing,

but whatever

and it's a shit idea

but I think I might go with him

I have no money, and no savings; and quitting my job to just see what happens in a new city sounds fucking stupid

but this is going nowhere

I had a decent set-up here, for a little while

and that's kind of a stretch, really

but it's been a long time since I could even call it that

shit here has been fucking bad; for a long time

and I could pick this idea apart in two seconds, tell you every way it could go wrong

it's like my fucking mutant power

but right now I kinda wish he were leaving sooner so I could just fucking go and give it a shot.

maybe it won't work;

it probably won't;

but this isn't either

I don't know how much longer I can take this

that dark part of me; which is what's been writing this diary basically since I started,

way back in high school,

is getting stronger, and uglier, and meaner

and it's only a matter of time before I'm back here, drunk, with a razor blade; and decide "fuck it, let's see what happens"

because it can't really get any worse than this

and I've been very close many times already

there's no future here

and the present isn't working

if I could fix this...

man up and make it work...

I would have

all I'm getting here is drunk

and apparently not even that, now

I hope this works

I hope I can get out of here

I dug my own grave

and I fucking hate it

Sweet Dreams

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