"That Feel" 2011-02-07 - 5:26 a.m.

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the last two times I've tried to get drunk by myself, I couldn't seem to manage it

and I managed to miss party night with my friends this week;

maybe the universe is trying to tell me something

I looked at some old pictures of myself tonight; out of pure vanity;

one of them was of me playing with my old band

and I was filled with a profound emptiness,

not in the dramatic sense, but in the sense of missing a limb, or an organ;

of something that should be there, but isn't

which I suppose is dramatic anyway,

L___ and I talked about starting a band last time we hung out;

and much like the idea of moving somewhere, I can't really think of a reason not to at least give it a shot

I mean, yeah, I need a better job; I need more money; I could probably use a girlfriend

but I need to be playing music again

just to be able to fucking see straight

and I've been dragging my feet, and making up excuses, and letting my fear of what kinds of assholes I'm going to find searching for band-mates stop me;

but I need to stop fucking around

I...

it's like not being able to breath right,

I'm getting air, I'm still alive; I'm not dying clawing at my carpet;

but I'm not breathing

it's not the best analogy, but it's the first thing that sprang to mind and I don't give enough of a fuck

I'm not a shark, I can't keep making analogies

[sorry, couldn't resist the two-fer]

the point is I need to be playing music again, and even if L___ winds up just being my training wheels to get back into it, so be it

I need that in my life

I just hope I have the strength to push this idea

to dig myself up out of the shit I let myself fall into,

even if just for a moment

I never had a great show;

they were all for about six people a time,

we never got enough steam going to generate a following

and we didn't fit with any of the other bands in town, so we got shoe-horned in to whatever bill C____ could throw us on

none of which were that great to begin with

and half of the time there were problems, and I was always really nervous about it

but even so, playing live is a high and a thrill that nothing can compete with

it's being Alive in a sense that doesn't line up with any conventional definition

but what really scares me

is that back then, when I was playing, and living music;

which was before I drank, honestly,

it wasn't until the band broke up that I actually started drinking

that was the "behind the music" joke for my band;

C_____ started a family; G____ went to Spain, and I became an alcoholic

but back then, things seemed so vibrant,

there was so much beauty in the world

I was moved, so often, by so many things

and maybe that's just part of being a teenager

which I was all the way up until I went to college at 22

but I don't seem to get that anymore

I'm so jaded

I've built my walls so high

and any feelings I do get I drown in whiskey

but it was everywhere

and I'm so terrified of starting a band again,

and having nothing come out

I mean, I accept that my lyrics suck

I'll cede that point

but I'm so scared of being in a position to create,

and the beauty, the feel, that used to drive me to make beautiful things;

will be gone

I don't feel it anymore on a daily basis,

it's been replaced by sadness and regret;

I've already said what it did to my lyrics

and even if I'm not writing the lyrics;

if I'm just playing guitar

[and singing, optimally, because I'm a primadonna]

I'm scared I won't be able to do it anymore

I'm scared it won't be as good

I guess the upside is:

of all my fears and doubts and reasons-not-to;

that one rings hollow

it doesn't even feel like I'm making an excuse, it feels like jitters

it carries no weight

I just hope I can make this work

I need to play music

the muscles have atrophied, but the feeling will return

I'm sure of it

and I need it

I need that muscle

let's just hope I have the strength to push this thought into action

song lyric

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