"Kobayashi Maru" 2009-09-03 - 3:33 a.m.

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I don't know why I ever came back here.

I hate everyone whoever read this. Except maybe Laura.

And I hate myself for writing here.

So guess what it means that I'm writing here again. Especially this regularly.

Five minutes ago I almost killed myself. I was so close.

The only thing stopping me is that somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm scared I'm wrong. I'm scared that heaven and hell are actually real, and if I just fucking get it over with I'll end up as a tree for all eternity.

I'm too scared to live, and too scared to die.

What a fucking cliche.

Why is it so Goddamn hard to let this go? Why can't I just suck it up and do something like every single other Goddamn person on the earth? Why do I just keep wallowing in this day after day and year after year?

I don't want to kill myself, I just want to kill that part of me, like the end of Fight Club. That dark part of me will fall over with his wrists gushing blood, and I'll miraculously live through it.

But it won't happen that way. I'll either die, or I'll wind up in the hospital with another bill I can't afford.

There's something in me worth saving. There's a good person in there, someone who could really do something good; there's a real, live person in there somewhere.

But he's buried under so much shit, and I just can't get rid of it. The more I push it away the stronger it gets. The more I accept it the further I sink.

Why the fuck can't I fix myself? Out of every single Goddamn thing in my life, this is the only one I can't fix; and it's not only the most important, but it's the one I could never accept help on.

I can't even get drunk enough to escape it anymore. I can't constrain it, I can't fight it, I can't accept it; I'm at war with myself and I'm losing. And it all sounds so Goddamn melodramatic.

I can't afford the pills, and the booze isn't working. What is it gonna take for me to beat this?

fuck you

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