"Velvet Goldmine" 2006-10-17 - 4:14 a.m.

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I don't know.

the recurring theme in my life

this diary has long documented the recurring battle I've had with my sexuality

and I still just don't know

it's weird

it's like, I identify with gay people in every way

I feel like I'm gay

I feel like I should be gay

but I still like chicks.

and I don't know

I don't know if it's like; I'm just telling myself I like I chicks because that's what I've always known

because that's the easy way to go

because I'm too scared to actually be gay

or if that's actually what I want

it's actually painful sometimes

the confusion

and I mean;

I don't know

because I've tried to be gay

I've actually, physically tried to be gay

and it didn't work

that's all there is to it.

So I just don't know

it's so fucking confusing

I mean, I suppose it's the next logical step right

first you have straight culture

with gay people hiding in the shadows for fear of their lives

and then you have straight and gay cultures; living seperately

and now you have gay people who look straight, who act straight; who don't live the gay lifestyle

you'd never know they were gay unless they told you

so I guess the next logical step would be straight people who look gay, act gay, live the gay lifestyle;

it's logical, right?

I mean, it's just so fucking painful being confused

and the weird part is

the defining factor of being gay is the fact that you're attracted to members of the same sex

and I can, with 99.9 percent certainty, say that I'm not

but in every other way I feel like I'm gay

it just throws me off

like I don't know who I am

I don't know what to do

it sucks

I just don't know.

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