"Sealings" 2006-07-30 - 2:29 a.m.

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So here I am. Back again. Did you really think I'd leave this place for good?

I desperately need to talk to somebody, but I've got no one to talk to.

So here I am. The little white box on a computer screen I always come back to.

I haven't been here in a while because I found alcohol.

I guess that makes me an alcoholic, right?

But now it's after 2 and I don't have any with me, so I just have to deal with it.

And this is how I deal.

How can you honestly say alcoholism is so bad when this is the alternative?

typing into a computer screen in the passive-agressive hope that someone will read it and offer me advice.

tell me they love me and everything will be alright.

and then if and when they do I just ignore it anyway and tell them they don't really mean it, leave me alone.

It's why I can't talk to Marton or Ed. Because I tried this before with Stephanie.

It ends with me screaming at them and calling them a liar for ever daring to say they cared about me.

what the hell is wrong with me?

there's only two things I ever do with my life: drink and play videogames.

and I do them both for the same reason.

In my real life I'm a 21 year old virgin, who's now unemployed.

and at least I can't say I'm going nowhere anymore.

I'm going to college now.

gonna get me a career.

but even so,

that's no fun. a career. a suburban home. a wife and 2.5 kids.

I think I'd rather be shot.

it's all so

fucking

boring

and there's no help for it.

only alcohol and videogames.

I play videogames because when I'm playing them; I'm not a loser.

I'm a hero.

I go on adventures, I save the world; or save my love; or even just save myself.

But I'm doing something.

something grand.

nothing grand ever happens in real life.

and if I'm not playing videogames, so that I can pretend I'm something more; like a child would do;

I'm drinking alcohol.

because if I drink enough, I just don't care anymore.

the world is warm and happy and distorted like a funhouse.

and it doesn't matter what's actually going on.

nothing matters.

I'm just happy to be alive.

something I can never seem to be sober.

when I'm sober I'm just me.

and God does that suck.

I can't even masturbate anymore.

every time I try; I start to get into it and then I get too depressed that I'm just looking at pictures or watching videos; that I'm not actually doing things with another person.

and I just can't keep going.

it's no fun.

what is it about me?

why am I unloveable?

my father doesn't love me.

my mother doesn't understand me.

my friends are cool with me when it's just superficial; but when it starts to get deeper, they lose interest.

and sex...

girls don't like me.

and yes, I'm 90% sure I like girls now.

I'm sure that'll change next month.

but whether it's girls or guys,

none of them would ever consider dating me.

or loving me.

I've said it so many times anyone who would care to read this could probably recite it from memory.

but I just want to fucking know why.

girls have no problems hanging out with me, being my friend.

but the instant I start to hint at something romantic,

I can't even think of an apt metaphor.

but the concept is both alien and unappealing.

it's as if they go: "huh, I never thought of you in that way; but now that you mention it, I'm not interested."

why the fuck is that?

why am I always just the friend?

why don't they even think of me in that way?

why can't they even consider it?

and when they do, they just stop fucking talking to me.

"better take a step back so I don't have to hurt his feelings by telling him no."

Goddamnit.

what else can I say?

I just want to know why.

and the only girl who does show any interest in me...

she lives a thousand miles away for one;

and for two: any time I talk about taking things serious; she shies away.

as if it's some kind of game.

it's fun to talk about and pretend, as if we were children playing house.

"I'll be the mommy and you'll be the daddy, we'll have kids and a white picket fence; and even a dog. what should we name them?"

but the instant it becomes real, when we actually have to be grown-ups and make plans to get a house and get married and have kids, then it's no fun anymore.

"no no, let's just go back to playing, we'll worry about the grown-up stuff later."

well when precisely is later?

either you love me and you want to be with me or you don't.

I'm sick of this half-commitment.

not that I need to be.

I'm so worried that one day the planets will fucking align and I'll meet a girl(or boy) in a bar, and we'll hit it off; and it'll get to the point where we actually might consider dating.

and then what do I tell them?

"I can't because I'm maybe with this girl in another state."?

but like that's going to happen.

we could dance around things until we're both thirty and I probably still won't have met anyone else who would be interested in me.

God I need a drink.

and I can't straight-up ask girls why they don't like me.

I wouldn't want to offend them and make things weird.

the best I could hope for anyway would just be a "I'm just not interested, I'm sorry."

they probably haven't thought it out themselves.

I can't hold it against them.

I just want to know why I'm so hideously unappealing.

do I have some horrific disfigurement I've just never noticed?

what the fuck is wrong with me?

God I hate this.

I need an escape.

as I said, alcohol is unavailable; I guess I'll have to settle for videogames.

but videogames I have to turn off.

at least with alcohol it would keep me numbed until I passed out.

oh well.

maybe if I repeat it enough times I'll actually believe it:

"sitting in muddy water isn't such a bad life; if it ends after the first time."

Sweet Dreams

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