"Hey Man Nice Shot" 2002-12-12 - 11:31 p.m.

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touch me, I'm sick

the medications aren't working

I knew this would fucking happen

it's only been- what? two weeks since I saw the freaking specialist?

and already the medications have stopped working

yay

I think of the rest of my life being like this

-get a new medication every two weeks until there's no more that my body hasn't adapted to-

how long do you think that would last?

I wish so much I could kill myself

and don't any of you tell me to "be strong"

you don't fucking know

you don't know what it's like

to be freaking sick all the time

to never be able to do anything for fear you'll have an attack

unless you're already having one, then it's moot

I've got all sorts of other problems too

but those I could deal with

those were nothing I couldn't handle

so I never said anything

and now since this came along and this is the first thing I can't handle; I go for help, and everyone thinks that I'm making such a big deal out of this one thing

that I go running for help at the first sign of trouble simply because I've never mentioned any of my other problems

and what the hell am I supposed to do now?

I don't have another appointment with the specialist until the end of january

then what?

he runs some tests maybe

just verifies the same thing he already told me

gives me another medication that'll stop working in two weeks

fuck

and everyone tells me to just "live on" to "not give up when you're so young" that it's "managable"

they tell me I should just handle it and move on

but I can't

and they don't realize that

they don't realize that by the time I say I have a problem then it's bloody serious

I wish I could kill myself

one of these days I'm going to work up the balls to try again

I've got no other choice

and don't any of you argue with me

don't tell me that I should try and live with excruciating stomach pain everyday

try to live with not being able to do anything 'cause I have to make sure I'm near a toilet at all times

how am I supposed to get a job and support myself?

how am I supposed to go to school and finish my education?

how am I supposed to do anything I want?

the fact is that I can't live with this

nobody could

and if they can't find either a cure or a medication that'll keep working

then death would be much better than a life of agony

and excuse me if I don't have much faith in our freaking medical system

I don't have the balls yet

but after awhile it'll reach a point where there's no other choice, and I'll have to go through with it

balls or not

I just wish that it was curable

if this was curable then I would never attempt suicide again

I'd have no reason to

whatever other problems I have I can deal with

it's just this one bloody thing

this one bloody thing ruining my whole damn life

I'm going to a different office of the specialist next time

maybe it'll be a different guy

maybe he'll have a different opinion

or maybe the tests will reveal it's something curable

and I'll be able to live my life again

yeah,

and maybe I'm a chinese jet-pilot

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