"Notion" 2002-09-23 - 5:16 p.m.

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I'm watching Law & Order; I watch it everyday. In the episode that was on from 4-5; there was a woman that had all sorts of psychological problems. Her parents were holocaust survivors; and apparently that was the cause of her issues. She would get violently angry; she had all sorts of issues about her personal space; she would emphasize to the point of tears over people she didn't even know. The psychiatrist on the show said she "externalized it with empathy; internalize it with depression." The reason I'm telling you this is that it sounds really familiar. Like, me. I have all sorts of problems with paranoia; I "externalize it with empathy; internalize it with depression." And even though I'm not gonna take the time to give examples or prove it, I do it in a way that it could be considered psychological problems. Now the girl on the show had her problems because her parents where holocaust survivors; but as far as I know; mine weren't. And the reason I'm taking the time to type all this is that I'm really curious as to what is causing my problems. My parents had a hard life, but they weren't holocaust survivors, and they had nothing in their lives to compare to that. As far as my life goes, sure, I had problems, I had a lot of problems; but they pale in comparison to other people I know. Now, considering the facts that A)I match the symptoms of people with serious problems in their lives B) even disregarding the show; my problems are serious enough to merit a cause C) I can't remember any *BIG*, specific trauma in my life D) I have a lot of trouble remembering a lot of my life. I'm thinking there's something big that happened to me in my life; and I can't remember it. It bothers me as to what it could be. It could be nothing. It could just be more of my paranoia. Shit. Who knows? This could be a waste of time and space; this could be the first step in uncovering a huge demon from my past. Could be we'll never know. I have a huge urge to call up one of those psychiatrists that "BHC" guy recommended and tell them everything. See if maybe they could figure it out. *sigh* ah well. I'll write a better entry later.

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