"Possum Kingdom" 2002-08-28 - 1:51 a.m.

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is anyone out there on the information super-highway selling second chances? I'd pay ever so much for one. I'd give just about anything to be able to start over in California, knowing everything I know now. Anything but my soul and talent on bass. I just want it so badly. Tonight's one o' them nights where I pray before I go to sleep that when I wake up I'll be in Ohio, before I cut my hair, ready to make the drive to Alameda. It would be worth taking that drive over again. It would be worth listening to my mom bitch about how I'm suddenly buying all sorts of goth shirts when I used to be so bright and chipper. It would be worth trying to convince my dad to pay for a bass for no good reason again. It would be worth anything. Why am I fucking doing this? Why am I whining over the internet about something I want but can't have? Why am I letting... oh wait, no one reads this. Fuck. I used to be so collected. Now I ramble on over stupid things that bother me. I show "everyone" how little sense I make in my head, show "you all" how fucking scared and lonely and sad and pathetic I really am. But I won't stop. This helps me too much. I should lock this. Ha. Ha ha. I'd just be keeping out Robyn, if she even reads this anymore. Shit. You want to see what I fucking meant by repetative? You want to see what I meant when I said: "you can only hear something so many times before it loses all meaning"? Here: I don't want to be me anymore. I'd give anything to not have this be my life. I wish so bad that the school year was over right now so I could just leave and not say goodbye to anyone, just go off and start over. Sound familiar? It should. I've said it before, you've said it before, and so has probably every depressed person in diaryland. It's nothing new. Not to me, not to you, not to her. And it's lost all meaning, because I'm so bloody sick of fucking listening to myself bitch about this. Sure, my diary entries may be long, but once you get to the bottom they're done, this shit runs through my head 20 hours out of the day. And when I sleep, for those precious four hours, I black out, I don't feel rested at all. I don't remember having that escape, there's just four hours that I can't account for between about 3:30 and 7:30 in the morning. Suddenly I blink and it's daylight. A bit of disorientation, a feeling of exhaustion, and the sun is up. Time to plod along on the same path I've been going for years now. With these same fucking thoughts running through my brain every waking moment, just finding new ways to rephrase themselves every month or so. So fuck you, fuck all of you. Go fuck yourselves. Fuck a baby, fuck a monkey, fuck a baby monkey. What the fuck are you even doing reading this? It's not like it's enriching your bloody life. If anything it's probably dragging it down more. Pick me, pick someone else, do whatever you want, just leave me alone. Quoth the Raven -Nevermore.

"If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone."

-Save Yourself(excerpt)

Stabbing Westward

"If there's a better place you could take me,

another life you could give me,

another place I could start all over;

where I'd never need what you gave me,

and never need you to save me,

and never feel like this life is over."

-On My Way(excerpt)

Limp Bizkit

"All in all you're just a

'nother brick in the wall"

-Another Brick in the Wall Pt.2(excerpt)

Pink Floyd

Fuck off.

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