"Thinking of You" 2002-08-16 - 3:53 p.m.

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I'm really frightened now. My computer(or rather the things I'm seeing in it, like some horrible crystal box) is scaring me. First I went to check my e-mail, and I figured I was going to see a note from Evan saying he would never rejoin the band and was pissed at me for repeatedly bringing it up, and Desperado by the Eagles would play on my WinAmp thing and it would be all appropriate. As I started up my WinAmp Desperado played and I got freaked out and skipped it, despite how good a song it is. Either way there was no note from Evan, and for once I was relieved to see that. Then I went to see if anyone's diarys were updated, like I always do. Just Robyn's. She's sounding really depressed and I'm really worried about her. She was talking about the *attempted* suicide scene in The Royal Tenenbaums(quick and easy IQ test for you and your friends: watch The Royal Tenenbaums; smart people will love it, average and/or dumb people will hate it), and it caused me to give thought to her... I still can't say it. But that thought really terrifies me, the thought of living on without her. She really means a lot to me, I don't say it that often becuase I've started to take her for granted. Like with the Mole People thing, I keep whining about Evan and only use about a sentence to mention Robyn, when she's equally as important as Evan as far as the band goes. As for everything else she's become more important than Evan at this point. The thing is I don't know if she knows. Like I said, I hardly ever say it, and when it comes to looking for support; a shoulder to cry on and all that; I feel terrible asking her because of the truly asshole things I've done before now. And I just keep thinking of this episode of Sports Night(a really good show they play at about 3 AM on Comedy Central[not actually about sports]) where the two anchors are kind of fighting, and Casey(one of them) talks to Isaac(I have no idea what his title is, but he runs the whole show) about it. Dan(the other anchor) is pissed because of events in the past that seem like Casey doesn't care about him(they're best friends for 15 years) and Isaac tells Casey that in relationships that matter to you, you sometimes have to let the other person know that you care with little gestures and stuff like that. So Casey goes out and rights everything with Dan and the broadcast goes on happily ever after. And the point of that over-long example is that I don't think I'm really letting Robyn know how much she means to me, and that I should make gestures and that sort of thing to kind of show how much I care sometimes; but I'm so bad at it. But the truth is I care alot, and right now I'm really scared for her. I have faith that she wouldn't... you know, but right now I'm scared.

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