"Horror Business" 2002-07-23 - 10:35 p.m.

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woohoo, confused again. Shit, things get so complicated when you hang out with screwed-up people. Well I called Stephanie today, she didn't answer. I left a message, but I'm pretty sure she just saw my name on caller ID and didn't answer on purpose. Her birthday's tomorrow. Back when things were good, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, and she said to hang out with all her friends. I don't know what to do, I don't have a present of any kind(and no money to obtain one, not to mention I wouldn't know what to get her), and I can't help but think my presence would just make things awkward. I fear I may have ruined things with her forever. Fuck. I leave it in her hands, I left her a message, I know she'll read this, so Steph: if you want to call me, call me. My head is on straight now. Moving on: I guess the next thing I'd have to talk about is Robyn. Gee, did I just call her a thing? Ah well. She read my diary, I had hoped she would, but I really didn't know what to do when she reacted. I feel I should apologize to her, first for ignoring her like I did. I hated to let things end like that, but I didn't know what to do. First there was the thing with my issues and all that, and I didn't want that to be happening, and my indecision and inability to change it just kind of ended up with my avoiding you because I didn't want things to get worse. I didn't want to end up hating you because I had problems. Then there was the whole band thing, I don't know. And for the band: I wasn't mad at you for not playing right, I was just frustrated because I knew you could play that stuff, but I knew how you felt with the whole nervousness and such, I felt the exact same way in my first band. But I was just frustrated that I couldn't convince you that you could do it. And as for playing stuff, all you ever had to say was that you wanted to play a song and we would've played it. And if you want me for your new band, I'll let you pick all the songs. I'll just play my bass and shut up. So yeah, I know it doesn't really help anything, but I'm sorry about all that stuff. Piss, I'm so bad at this, this whole living thing. I thought I could put together a band and actually do something, and I make both my bandmates miserable. Damnit, maybe I should just give in, just be a bass player for an already established band and stop thinking I can actually do stuff my way. It just ends up hurting others. Shit. I hate this. Watching people I care about hating themselves, watching all my plans that I had worked so hard on fall to shit, watching the plans I had for my life in general going nowhere, not being able to do a damn thing about any of it. But I feel so bad about Robyn, she said she loved to play guitar until she was in a band with me, then she hated guitar for that time. God, that makes me sick. The small measure of happiness I was finally getting back is fading. It seems like just when things look up they plunge back down. Being back in my "if something's not fun it's pointless" mindset, I just can't see any point in going on. My life just isn't fun, and whenever it is, it only seems that way, it ends and then is revealed to be bad. If I'd have known that Robyn and Evan weren't having fun, I would've done something to change that. But as I watch "Ed Wood"(a movie about the director) and see the burning pie plate that is the flaming flying saucer from Plan 9. All is right with the world. Ah, long live Plan 9 From Outer Space!

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