"A New Day" 2002-07-23 - 2:39 a.m.

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I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot. Some about Tool, a lot about Stephanie, some about Robyn, and a little about myself. But right now I'm thinking of myself. And masturbating. Just kidding. But I'm realizing that I really have changed. It's not just a change in my look or something, it's really like I've evolved, like I really have become a different facet of myself. It's like I'm seeing the world through eyes that are half new and half that I haven't seen through in a long time. And it feels good. Getting over my depression was actually much much easier than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, it sucked and was hard, but it was so much easier than I thought it was going to be. And it feels so very good not to think that way anymore. Not to constantly be kicking myself and keep bringing up things in the past that hurt. To really let it go, move one, and to quote one of my favorite songs: Turn the Page. And to quote Fight Club: To let that which does not matter truly slide. So fucking what nobody ever cared about me? That the girl I cared about never wanted me. There will be more girls, maybe some boys, who knows? And maybe now that I'm not so wrapped up in how much of a loser I am, I can stop being a loser. And it feels oh so good not to have that voice, that evil side of myself constantly pestering me. But don't get me wrong, I didn't erase him, I finally did the right thing, I merged with him, brought my fragmented consciousness into one self. And I know I keep saying it but it feels so good to be whole. I'm finally not seeing a clouded version of the world from inside a deep dark crowded shell, I'm seeing the world, up close and how it is. Maybe it's not perfect but at least I'm seeing it clearly. It really does feel good. To somewhat shift gears now: I've noticed you don't see many adults that are all depressed and rocker-looking and such. Except for rock stars. Mainly I'm thinking of this woman I saw on Rock and Roll Jeopardy a few weeks back(meh, I don't watch it all the time) who was dressed all nice and "normal" looking. But in that "get to know the contestants" part, she said she was a huge punk fan and dressed as such(no, she didn't say it like that) in high school. And I remember thinking: "sellout." at the time, but now I realize she really wasn't. There's a scene in SLC Punk around the end of the movie where a girl is commenting on the lead character's style. She says it's "like a uniform", and how he's conforming to non-comformity. And when I saw it I remember thinking how true it was. And all the time I was shifting my looks and such, I would always think how pretentious it was. I didn't care what people thought of me, but I was going out of my way to look like a certain thing. Like my grunge look. I was buying jeans just so I could cut them off into shorts instead of just buying shorts, I was wearing flannel in 100+ degree heat. I was working awful hard to prove I didn't care what I looked like. So now when I walk out in just jeans and a t-shirt and look somewhat preppy, so what? I'm not, and I know it, and people who know me know that, and (to quote Metallica)nothing else matters. And that leads to a different point: other people. I realized a long time ago that other people's opinions of you don't matter. You can't please all of the people all of the time, you can't be (to quote Everclear)everything to everyone, if you spend all your time concerned about others, you'll forget about yourself. To quote Everclear again: "they can't hurt you unless you let them." if some guy sees me in the mall and thinks: 'fag', and I let it get to me, he wins. But why should I care about what some guy that I've never met and never will meet thinks about me? So what if people who don't know me have a negative opinion of me? I don't know them, and I know who and what I am, and I'm not ashamed of anything. So they're the ones wasting their time thinking about me while I'm thinking of more productive and pleasent things. To shift gears again: It's really nice not to be handicapped by depression anymore. I've realized that there are other people who have problems similar to mine, and yet where I curl up and ask God 'why?', they can go on and be happy. The best example I can think of for this is Mick Foley(the wrestlers Mankind, Cactus Jack, and Dude Love.). He has an autobiography out that I enjoy reading, and over the course of it I've noticed he has similar problems to mine with women, with other kids at school, and he's one of the most jovial people out there, he leads a very happy life, and has very literally revolutionized the wrestling industry. But when I get faced with stuff like that, I sit and be depressed about it, torture myself over and over, and just basically do nothing. And I noticed that, and I just kind of thought: "these other people can deal with this, why can't I?". See I never really consider myself better than anyone else, but I like to think I have a very high threshold for pain, physical and emotional, but these people are dealing with it while I'm letting it cripple my life. That's just stupid, so I'm done with it. And that's another thing: to quote Incubus: "What's so wrong with being happy?". I mean, hapiness is a good feeling, people take drugs that destroy their bodies and minds to acchieve that. If I can have it myself why should I not? I used to think that the ultimate goal of everything was to have fun, and if something wasn't fun it was pointless. It's really great to be back in that state of mind. I'm not saying I'm never going to be sad again, but I'm through shooting for sadness, I'm just going to try and make myself happy, and if I fail I fail, but at least I tried. And hell, I'll probably succeed. I mean, what's so bloody wrong with wanting to feel good? And last but not least there's my anti-social-ness. I always complain I can't find a girlfriend, that I only have two friends, that I can't get a band together. So what do I do about it? Sit on my ass. Well fuck that. Tomorrow I'm calling Robyn and Stephanie and going to R-Galaxy. Hopefully. I'm gonna go out and meet people, I'll find me a girlfriend(or boyfriend), I'll make some new friends, I'll find a drummer, I'll actually DO something. Hell, maybe I'll even find a job. The only holes in my plan being that both my parents have jobs now, so I'm kind of limited as far as cars go, but my dad gets home around 4, and that's enough time to do stuff, as me and Steph found out one week. But the other hole is Stephanie. Sort of. See I've been kind of scared to call Stephanie recently. Because I know once I do everything will start again. The little fued between Evan and Stephanie, watching her be depressed, the backlash for how I've been acting, the backlash for taking two weeks to get my head together. I don't know, the one entry the other day where I mentioned that 'changing' thing made me realize something. All the time we've been hanging out I forgot she's younger than me, I keep thinking she's at the same place I am emotionally, I keep forgetting she's still a few years behind me. That's why I figured she'd be ready to change if she just took that step, but now I know she's not. I would've been acting the same way she is if I was her age and the positions were switched. Hell, I'd probably be acting worse. But she's definitely doing much better than I was at her age, and when she gets to where I am, she'll be doing much better than I am now. And I suppose it wouldn't be so bad to just wait it out if I didn't know what it was like. I really do understand how bad it is, and that's why it hurts me so much to see her go through it. But I think it's been aptly proven that I can't do anything about it, and I'll discuss that more later. Either way, tomorrow is a new day, and it will really be the first day of the rest of my life. Unless I die.

P.S. - I apologize for the extreme length of this entry, but you must understand this is a small sample of what's going through my head.

P.P.S. - About all the quotes, that just goes to show how big a part music and movies play in my life.

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