"My Way" 2002-07-11 - 8:35 p.m.

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this sucks. I have just enough emotions to care about my situation, but at least enough apathy to not be depressed. Things are so bad right now. With Evan he keeps getting closer and closer to rejoining, but at the same time he still hasn't, and I feel like by trying to convince him to come back I'm only pushing him further away. I should thank him for trying to be my friend still, though, he deserves gratitude for that. With Stephanie, I just can't seem to get my point across, and no matter how clearly I think I put it, she still thinks I'm saying something else, and so things keep getting worse. And even after I get my point across, I still have to get her to change, which she seems adamant against doing, no matter how much good it would do. So we're probably, sadly, going to end up not working this out, and she's going to remember me as a selfish asshole for wanting to help her. Shit, even if things don't work out with Stephanie, I can still be friends with Evan, but if things don't work out with Stephanie and he says no to the band; I don't think I'll have the will to get out of bed in the morning, much less leave the house to hang out. I've been checking my e-mail all day, waiting for their replies to the letters I sent them earlier, but each time I do I get terrified, because I know it's just gonna be the next update on how bad things are getting. I've been thinking maybe I am selfish for wanting these things, Evan to join, Steph to change, but that's all I want. Does wanting two little(ok, big) things make you selfish? Fuck, if it does I think I've earned it. I've been the best I can for these two, I'm just asking a bit of the same in return, and they don't seem to be wanting to supply it. Shit, I can't really bring myself to blame Evan, he's still trying to be my friend, and he is getting closer and closer to rejoining; and I can't really bring myself to blame Stephanie, she just keeps saying no to something I'm not saying, so she's really not saying no to me I guess; but it does suck that I can't get my point across. And either way I don't have much confidence that things are gonna go my way in the end. I just keep coming back to blaming myself, but then I stop myself and tell myself I've earned this, I've earned these two bloody things, even if they are somewhat big. I'm just trying to help Stephanie, and I know Evan will have fun once we get going again. Am I really that much of an asshole for wanting that? Fuck. I'm starting to get depressed again, but I don't have the willpower to do anything about it, goddamnit. I will fight this, and I will keep fighting for those two, even if I have no confidence, I refuse to quit until it's over.

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