"Mudshovel" 2002-07-11 - 3:04 p.m.

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**Disclaimer**

I'm quite pissed, so this entry is pretty much me venting

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I want to e-mail and respond to Stephanie, but right now I don't trust myself to. This is so stupid. This is like if she had the flu, and I told her to rest up and drink plenty of fluids, and her saying: "So you want me to stay in bed the rest of my life and only drink? Well I can't do that Brett, see people have to eat, they can't just drink. And if you can't handle that then you're fucked. You asshole." And I'm just sitting here going: "That's not what I fucking said." But she's already gone. Fuck. This is all I ever asked of her, to fight a fucking medical condition she has. Would she be doing this if I reminded her to take her thyroid medication? Apparently being friends with Stephanie meands YOU have to change, you have to be everything to her and can never expect anything in return. Last weekend, we were at Wilson, and we needed to check the time, so she asked "how much do you love me?" and I dutifully walked to the car, checked the time, and walked back. Later we were upstairs and needed Axl. "How much do you love me?". I marched downstairs, went to her room, got Axl and brought him back. If she had asked me "how much do you love me?" I would've gotten in my car and driven to the Tucson mall just to get her one of those Mall pretzels. But apparently if I had asked "how much do you love me?" the only thing I was supposed to expect was a "meh." and her to keep wrestling with Misty. I've tried to be there for her, but apparently I'm not supposed to expect anything in return. I ask her to cure a medical condition she has that's hurting her anyway, so now I'm the asshole for ever expecting anything. Even when I stood next to her to listen to her say all her friends had abandonded her, and nobody cared about her, I'm the asshole. Even when she told me she was sick on the drive back from Misty's, and the sole thought in my mind the entire way was how fast I could possibly go to get her home, I'm the asshole. This is why me and Evan were scared to say anything to her, becasue not only would it have hurt her, but then she treats us like assholes for having opinions. Despite the fact that I'm trying to help her. Fuck, are you really that attached to a brain disfunction Steph? Is it really that important to you that your seratonin levels are unbalanced? Is it really that bad that I'm expecting you to do this for me? If you had a knife stuck in your head, would you get pissed at me if I asked you to pull it out? Shit. It's not like I'm asking you to get a lobotomy or something, I'm asking you to cure something that's hurting you anyway. Fuck. Someday you'll realize I'm right anyway, someday you'll be trying to cure this yourself, but apparently someone you supposedly cared about asking you to do it is off-limits. Fuck, I'm suffering from that same stupid brain disorder, and I'm fighting it. I just don't see why you can't do the same. If you had operable cancer, wouldn't you try and cure it? Or would you get pissed at the doctors trying to operate because they want you to "change for them"? Fuck, you're not even getting what I'm trying to say. One day you'll understand what I mean. That or you'll commit suicide. Either way, I doubt I'll be around to see it. Fuck. Is it really that selfish of me to want to help you? I've tried hard to be selfless for you, all I want in return is to be selfish this one time. You'd really just be helping yourself anyway. So fine, you and your brain disorder can go off and you can continue to let it run your life. Sorry I tried to help you, sorry I cared enough about you to try and cure something. Sorry I loved you.

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