"Insomnia/story of my life pt. 1" 2002-06-23 - 3:47 a.m.

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well fuck, again. I finished Undertow during the last entry. I went back to bed and listened to Aenima before I realized I'm still wide awake. In case you haven't noticed, I'm listening to all of Tool's albums tonight, I'll put Salival on in a minute, and if I'm still up by the time Lateralus finishes, I'll just put on some clothes and start the next day. But yeah, last entry I talked about my dad, so this entry I'll talk about me. Really it's like my life started at 14. Before that it's literally like there was a different person living in my body, and I came into existence as myself when I turned 14. I was starting 7th grade, my first year of school in New Jersey. I had given up my preppy phase and gone straight to nerdy. All I was missing was glasses. I dressed in completely blank clothing all bought at K-Mart,(keep this in mind, it's mildly important)(the blank clothes, not K-Mart) I had pretty much no friends, but then one day I started hanging out with a kid named Steve. He was so much like me it was scary, it was like we were the same person in 2 different bodies, that's how alike we were. But that was it, I had literally no self-esteem, and was really depressed. I attempted suicide regularly. I used to draw a cartoon rabbit that I had ripped off of one of my friends in the previous place I lived, and one girl commented that she liked it. One day I was sitting there contemplating suicide again, when I suddenly thought of that. When she said it I didn't really listen, it went in one ear out the other, like all compliments I receive, but that day I realized that hey, she actually meant it. I thought about it and realized that there were people that actually liked me, and that I had Steve, practically my other self, and life could've been worse, that was the first time I got a little confidence. Don't get me wrong, I was still horribly depressed, but that's where I started to get "better". I tried out for the school play(Robin Hood if you must know), and got a small but perfect for me part(King Richard). This gave me actual confidence, so much so that I parted my hair for the first time(ooh, aah). I started wearing hawaiian shirts, my first ever attempt at individuality, and eventually grew my hair out to my shoulders. Somewhere in there I saw Korn's "freak on a leash" video on TRL. I subsequently bought "Follow the Leader" and started listening to rock music. The first band shirt I ever bought would eventually be an "Issues" shirt that I still own. Now, over the course of 7th to 9th grade I got a group of friends and slowly more confidence, and started to enjoy my life, I started playing guitar, they offered a class in school with the coolest teacher ever. I was even planning on starting a band until I had to move. See, my dad had a choice of being transferred or staying in NJ; Me and my sister wanted to stay, my dad didn't care, but my mom wanted to move, so we moved. This was the first time I started to dislike my mother. We moved to California, and I cut my hair. My depression became it's worst ever, I got into a routine of going to school, coming home, sitting in my room until I fell asleep, waking up going to school, repeat. The only light in my life was 2 girls named Jessica, one was a friend of mine, sort of, the other was the love of my life. I didnt' see either after school, and I'll tell you the story of "the love of my life" later. Other than that I had nothing to do, there was no guitar class in school, and I couldn't get lessons, so that faltered. I gradually started wearing more band shirts and more rocker-ish clothing, and growing my hair back out. But Jessica l.o.m.l. moved before I got any of my low-low confidence back, or became a full-fledged rocker. Eventually I was able to convince my parents it would be best to move back to New Jersey, and when they agreed I was able to open up and enjoy my life again. I started hanging out with a group of kids at school and enjoyed myself a lot. Over spring break we flew back to New Jersey for a week to look for a house. To this day I still think my parents just sat in the hotel while me and my sister visited our old friends and didn't look for a house at all, I hated them for it for a while, but I don't care anymore. That's the second time I disliked my mother. But something important happened in New Jersey. See, I liked guitar, but my skills were faltering, I had been considering playing bass for a while because I knew it was just tab, and I was good at tab, it was chords I sucked at. The only thing stopping me before was that I wanted to sing too, and I didn't know of any people who played bass and sang, all the bands I knew the singer played guitar if anything. The only reason I was really even considering bass was Mark from Blink 182 played it and sang(yeah, I'm a Blink fan, so?). But while in New Jersey Steve showed me a tape of Wrestlemania 2001(yeah, I watch wrestling, so?), and Motorhead did the theme for one of the wrestlers, and they played it live at Wrestlemania while he walked to the ring. Now, I had heard Motorhead before, but never seen them. I really dug them, so I payed a lot of attention and I noticed that their lead singer, Lemmy, played bass and sang, that sealed it. I promised myself I'd switch to bass as soon as we got back to California. Obviously my parents didn't find a house, so we went back to California, and I haven't been back to New Jersey since(me and Steve don't talk anymore). Now when we got back to California I went about things in my usual half-assed way, saying "I'm switching to bass" but not doing anything. But some friends of mine were in a band called The Porno Pandas(long story). And I saw them at the school talent show(the only reason I went was to see them, they won, considering we were basically in the ghetto, and they were competing against all rap/r&b acts, that's pretty damn impressive), and noticed they had no bass player. The show was friday, I got my bass saturday. The first song I learned was half of Anastesia, by Metallica. The following tuesday my friends asked me to be in the band. I said yes. Our first practice was that thursday. I still hadn't quite figured out what I was doing yet, but I still learned one of their songs the first day, and they said I was better than their last bass player. I didn't believe them but was glad for the complements. Our next practice was that saturday. A week after I'd gotten my bass. Between thursday and saturday I taught myself to play properly and learned more of their songs, and did quite well. I stuck with them for a while, until I moved in a few months. We had one show together, which I won't discuss, it's embarassing, mostly for me. Let's just say all the problems were my fault. But anyway, the two guitarists/singers are really, really talented, and those guys are going places. Ken, the somewhat leader, was scary talented on guitar, and did the best Kurt Cobain impression I've ever heard. Ken, if you ever stumble across this, however things go with Trevor, I'd love for you to get together with me and Evan, I know the three of us could make some kick ass music. Anyway, I eventually moved, and I'll continue that in the next entry, just because this one's freakishly long already.

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