"Insomnia/Story of my life pt. 2" 2002-06-23 - 4:34 a.m.

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Anyway, picking up where we left off, I moved from California, cut and spiked my hair, bid good-bye to my band and sort of friends, and moved here(tucson). Bizzarely enough, on the first two days of school, I had a freakish burst of confidence, and made friends right away. I didn't see any of them after school, but I talked to them at school. At home I was getting depressed again, and slowly became full-fledged Goth. All black clothes, jewelry, died black hair, all that. Eventually I went to a Misfits concert with a girl called 'Jinx', and in my only experience with drugs to date, got kicked out for smoking weed before the Misfits even came on. Jinx and my relationship hasn't been the same since. To this day I wonder what, if anything, would've happened between us had things been different that night. But anyway, I used to eat lunch with these two non-goth kids(one in fact one of those freakishly religious types), and after a while I started hanging out with one of them after school. A nerdy-type kid named Greg. First the religious type moved, then Greg did(I don't talk to Greg anymore either). After a while I started eating lunch with the other goth kids, and started hanging out with Stephanie. I slowly shifted from goth to punk, and after a while switched to my current grunge look. Somewhere between Greg and Stephanie I got my one and only girlfriend, named Alane, sometime I'll tell that horror story, but not today. Needless to say, we stopped going out before I started hanging out with Stephanie after school. The forming of my band was a slow and coincidental one. In the school announcements, the school band concert: 'Doradostock' was mentioned. Now I knew the girl who sat accross from me in art class played guitar, she had the tab for a Rancid song in the front of her folder. So upon that announcement, I half jokingly asked her if she wanted to start a band with me. She said yes. She told me that she wasn't very good, but she'd try. At the time I'd hoped it was the low self-esteem talking, and that she was actually good. I was wrong(that sounds mean, she's actually pretty good, but she needs a lot of work). But I didn't know that at the time, so I finally heeded Stephanie's suggestions and asked her friend Evan, who plays drums, if he'd like to be in our band. He said yes too. Evan has since become a good friend of mine, and is scary talented on the drums. And no matter how things go with guitar players, or even singers if we decide to get a new one, I want to make music with him for the rest of my life. But anyway, slowly but surely we became "The Mole People." And I was really happy. I had Evan and Stephanie, two good friends, and I had a band, and my feelings of love for Stephanie were growing. I was really happy for the first time in my life. Then Stephanie talked me into going to 'Queer Prom'. I reluctantly agreed, and decided I was going to wear a skirt, just because I wanted to. I told my mom, because I figured she'd find out eventually anyway, and she started crying. It's as if with that one action, she sucked out all the joy I got out of everything in my life(I went to queer prom anyway, but that's not the point). Ever since then I can't really talk to my mother, things between us are awkward, and I can honestly say I like my dad much more. The depression came back worse than ever before, I stopped bathing, shaving, and coming my hair, or even caring about anything, except Stephanie, whom my feelings only grew stronger for. Over time it became more and more obvious Robyn wouldn't work as a guitar player, and my band kind of went on hiatus. Evan eventually went on vacation to Seattle. Without the band, the only thing left I cared about was Stephanie. And for a while for some reason our relationship started feeling strained, I have no reason why. Things were at an all time low(God, I'm making this sound really dramatic, aren't I? Meh, it's how it felt, this is just the short version). Then one night I got the idea to start drawing a comic again. That was what would become Paint it Black. I asked Steph if she wanted to write for it, and she agreed, and suddenly our relationship was better than it ever was. We were back to laughing and having fun all the time. I applied for a job at Hot Topic, and it sounds like there's actually a chance they'll hire me, which makes me happy. I now have a reason to care about my appearance and hygiene again. And now Evan gets back today, so the band thing is back in business. Right now, my life is pretty good. Hell, the 2 things I want to do with my life are play in a band and draw comics. Check and check. So what if life's not perfect, I've had it worse, and so do lots of other people. And over the years I haven't really developed self esteem, but rather a lack of need for it. See, I may not have confidence, but I simply don't care what others think, excepting a select few. If someone I don't care about insults me, what difference does it make? If they don't matter, why should their opinion? I've developed an attitude of: "This is me, this is who I am, and I'm only working on making myself happy, if you don't like me, bite me." of 'course it's not entirely true. I work on making my friends happy, because they matter a lot to me. And there are certain people's opinions I really value to a point: Mariah sometimes, and Evan, definitely Evan. I really don't get across how much he means to me on here, but he means a lot, trust me. And then there's the one opinion that matters to me above all else: Stephanie's. I'd do anything for her. I'd CHANGE for her, that's saying a lot. And it has occured to me how disgustingly in love with her I am. Fairy Tale love, Movie love, Complete My Life/Soulmate love. And the fact that we won't ever share the kind of true romance that I feel amuses me now, but the next time I'm depressed it will beat me down. Ah well, like I said, I've had worse. I'm honestly satisfied with just being her good friend. I'll take what I can get. It's a joy just to be around her for me. But anyway, right now I'm pretty damn happy. But that's how it goes, right now I'm happy, and I'll talk about all that stuff I just mentioned; but when I'm depressed I talk like in my first entry. Really I don't know which emotion I prefer between the two, but I know I prefer 'Peaceful' over both. You see, Peaceful is just that, it's like being depressed but without the torture and self-loathing. It's being happy but without the disgusting energy, it's complete contentment and, well, peace. It's the most beautiful feeling ever. I get it when I hear the Salival version of 'Pushit' by Tool. I get it when I watch the sunset in silence with Stephanie at Wilson. I got it the first time I finished a Sandman collection. Words can never do justice to just how great a feeling it is. But ah well, that's my life and personality in a nutshell. Apparently insomnia is very productive. I hope you enjoyed my freakishly long entries tonight.

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