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"Gethsemane" 2016-06-29 - 3:11 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I know it's cool to be an atheist nowadays; but I've always had a strong belief in God. I don't think it's an old white man in a robe; but I believe there is a higher power and "God" is as good a word for it as any. I've felt His influence throughout my entire life. But lately I just can't help but wonder why he made me this way. If I was meant to be a woman, why wasn't I born as one? If I was meant to be a man, why don't I feel like one? and if I'm meant to be trans; why the hell is it so Goddamn hard? I dream about it every day, but the truth is I don't think I'll ever come up with the money to transition. And I just don't get it. I may not believe in any particular religion but I do have faith; and the fact that I'm stuck like this honestly makes me doubt. Is there some purpose to me being born a man, but feeling like a woman? Is this my penance for something? To spend my earthly life feeling disconnected from my body? To have everyone I know and love at a distance because they're never really seeing the real me? I believe in an afterlife; and I don't believe in hell and I seriously doubt there's a heaven; I just know there's something. So I believe that when I get there, whether it's tomorrow or sixty-some odd years from now; I'll finally be able to be the real me. But what purpose does it serve to have me live my entire life as something else? Am I wrong? Am I meant to be a man all along and I'm just confused? I don't understand. And I don't know what to do. oh lord, don't set my fields a-fire � � |