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"Are You Happy?" 2016-06-04 - 3:36 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I watched a (very good) comedy special tonight; which I won't name because I want to keep this un-searchable; but at the end he posed the question: "you're everything you ever hated, are you happy?" and the old me would've agreed with him 100%; but I know that's just not true. For maybe the first time in my life, I'm happy in my skin. I'm happy with who I am; I'm -generally- happy with what I'm doing; and I'm happy with where I'm going. But it does ring true on a few points. Since G___ and I broke up; I've slept with a fair amount of women. My friends from college would laugh at the amount; they slept with way more; but it feels like a lot to me. And honestly I'm shocked by how easy it is. It didn't used to be. But at the age I am now and with the women I'm dating; things are much simpler; and we've all been through the wringer; so me just being nice and genuine is new to them and they love it and I can get right in there. And it's not that I care about the sex. I honestly don't anymore. What bothers me is that I am becoming exactly what I always hated. I always meet these girls hoping for a relationship; and no matter what flaws there are I always think "it'll be ok, if something's really there we'll make it work." But it's not. And so we have sex; which is always their idea by the way; I never even ask for it. And then I leave because it's just not there. And so I kinda become one of those guys who just fucks and leaves; and I never wanted that. But I always go into it with the best intentions; life just never works out that way. And I hate to place blame; but it really is all because of G___. I always believed in love. Above all things; I believed in love. There was true love out there; and once I found it it would change everything; and I would live and die for this woman; and she would live and die for me; and we'd take on the world together. And I thought I found that with her; but God was I wrong. And so she really did break my heart. Not in the metaphorical sense; in the real, genuine sense. Ever since her; and M_____; I can't trust anyone. I keep my friends at arm's length. I never open up to anyone. I'm seeing someone new now. K___. (the amount of underscores is different than K_____) and she's great. I love being with her. But I don't love her. And I hate that about myself. I always have fun with her; but when I look at our relationship; all I see are the cracks which will become fault lines which will tear us apart. And maybe they won't. That's the hope, right? But I just can't open myself up anymore. To anyone. M_____ and G___ broke me. And in that sense I really have become everything I ever hated. Because I always believed. And even though other people were assholes I was always better; and I always put myself out there; and I always did my best. But I don't anymore. There's always a buffer. There's no one in my life right now that I could lose that would change anything for me. They're all safely behind the wall. And that's not a healthy way to live. That's not what I wanted to be. But I am happy. So is that the trade off? You can open yourself up and let them hurt you; or close yourself and be happy but keep them away? That's a shitty trade. I don't like it, but I don't have a better answer right now. So yeah, this comedy special tripped me up more than I thought it would. it's a capitol kind of... � � |