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"Macaque" 2011-04-07 - 3:36 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj S____ got married today. It seems like years ago I was killing myself that she was engaged to someone else. It seems like another person that was having dreams about her and sweating the fact that some day she might marry this guy. The only reason I'm getting drunk and depressed is that I have the day off work tomorrow; and I'm always depressed. the only reason I mention it is for anyone following my "narrative". If I gave a shit about anyone it would be L____; but I'm relatively certain she's over me or at the very least, she doesn't want to hear my drunken bullshit which is a shame, because it's all I've got what disturbs me, what outright fucking scares me is that it's not getting better my life is a million times better than the first time I wrote in this diary Goddamn near a decade ago ha ha but I don't feel any fucking better it still hurts just as Goddamn bad it's not getting any better and yeah, I'll bitch all day about how I might as well be in high school again but Jesus I've done so many things since then realistically I've improved so much I'm just going through a ridiculously long rough patch and even though I don't feel as worthless as I used to, I... don't feel any better about myself it still hurts just as bad it still eats me fucking up inside and... what the fuck could I possibly do? at this point? I mean, I guess that's proof that it's clinical and so getting pills would be the answer but I can't afford pills so I'm just fucked I will feel this way until I can afford pills and if I ever forget to take them it'll be right there waiting lucky me God, it just, it hurts so bad and it's always there it's worse than my stomach and it won't ever go away I guess on the upside I can stop blaming my parents not that they were fucking perfect but I mean, is it really supposed to make me feel better? I've fucked up my whole life because of this hurting inside and... great, it's clinical there's no real cure, just treatment of the symptoms just like my stomach I guess the upside is: unlike my stomach, they can treat this I just can't afford it so, go me I'm a non-functional piece of shit every single day without medical help captain fantastic and, you know, 90% of the time, whatever despite what I said I am actually functional what really gets me is that at 3 or 4 AM when I'm drunk and feeling like this the only one who will listen is this text-entry box my closest friends couldn't be fucking paid to sympathize with me not even the "love of my life" although I established earlier in this entry that was a crock is it really that repugnant to ask for help? I mean, I know we all understand that we're all fucked up and everyone knows I'm not fucking stable but no one cares to help me when I need it? when I really need it? fuck and I'll tell you what you get you get away from me � � |