"Nutshell" 2003-08-22 - 4:11 a.m.

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it just feels weird sometimes

there's so many depressed people out there

the ones I know

the ones on diaryland

and it feels like I'm betraying them by being happy

by writing about video games and making lame jokes about things that only I get

I used to be such a deep, serious person

I used to be interesting

but now I'm happy(most of the time)

and so I make my stupid jokes and talk about the things I haven't done today

and it feels like I'm turning my back on all the people who could've identified with me

I'm not conceited enough to think that they would've held me in some high regard; but I just mean that people would recognize that I was depressed too and we would have an understanding

I know what I'm trying to say but I can't get it out

regardless,

and besides that being depressed gave me character

I used to wax poetic about loneliness and the crippled relationships I did have

but now that I'm happy I'm so shallow

I'm not poetic or deep

I'm just some idiot who talks about videogames and makes dumb jokes

jokes that pretty much nobody finds funny

I'm not going to say that I want to be depressed

I'm not that much of a masochist

but I am kind've sad that being happy has changed me so much

and in a way that I don't think is for the better

in other news:

thanks to Sindy and Robyn for the kind words about Star

I've been trying not to think about her all day

and thankfully my mind has blocked out most of the traumatic parts

but every time I open the door to my room I expect her to be sitting out there; or to hear her tags jingling

she was just such a constant presence, and it's almost perverse to think that she won't be here anymore

but moving on,

I won't be going to see Motorhead tomorrow

once again, money(or lack thereof) was the deciding factor

that kinda sucks

but at the same time, I don't have to sit through Dio or Iron Maiden; and I don't have to worry about driving to pheonix and that whole deal

but if they come here again, I refuse to miss them a third time

I don't know

maybe I'll be interesting tomorrow

Sweet Dreams

we chase misprinted lies

we face the path of time

and yet I fight,

and yet I fight,

this battle all alone

no one to cry to

no place to call home

oooooh-hooo

my gift of selfish rage*

my privacy is raped*

and yet I find,

and yet I find,

repeating in my head

if I can't be my own,

I'd feel better dead

oooooh-hooo

-Nutshell

Alice in Chains

*-yes, I know those aren't the correct lyrics, but it's a small change and I like those better

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