"SOS" 2015-12-04 - 5:14 a.m.

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I don't know why I suddenly can't stop thinking about G___

like I said last time: I actually thought I was starting to get better, but now it's like I'm getting worse

thoughts of her come with an anxiety that hasn't been this bad in a long time

I hate it

part of me has become idiotically hopeful,

we haven't talked in a while, so maybe things are starting to fall apart between them; maybe their relationship's circling the drain,

maybe she's already broken up with him and she's still getting over it and maybe she'll get back in touch with me soon

ridiculous

the other part of me is more fatalistic than ever

we still have one mutual friend on fb;

and every time I log in I'm terrified I'm going to see the announcement that she's engaged, and it's showing up in my newsfeed because he "liked" it.

although really, they could already be married, and I wouldn't even know because it didn't show up in my newsfeed

realistically it doesn't even make a difference

50% of marriages end in divorce; just because they're married doesn't mean she won't still leave him and maybe come back to me

and I mean, it doesn't change anything right now, because she's already happily dating and living with him; as far as I know never even giving me a second thought

but it would be a blow to see it, especially like that

the same way I saw it with S____

that fucked me up bad

I still wonder if that's the main reason I lost my mind when I saw the announcement she was dating R_____ on there;

I already knew she was seeing him, but for some reason that fucked me up so badly, and I've never really recovered

because seeing the announcement that S____ was engaged on fb broke my heart

blah

the worst part is I have no idea what to do about it

I've always known I won't be able to get over G___ until I start dating someone else

and these last few years have proven I have no control over that

just have to hope that I meet someone and they like me and I like them and that spark ignites something

but so far zip-o

and as I've said: I still worry that I will get involved with someone else but the feelings won't go away; that maybe I'll never be over her

I just don't know what to do anymore

it occurred to me just now that maybe all this worry over G___ is a defense mechanism;

that maybe I'm worrying about her so I don't have to worry about all the other shit in my life

and I do have some shit that I need to resolve

but I'm worried about that too

it's like I can't get any relief,

I'm either stressed about G___ or myself, and not all the vidoegames or whiskey I can get my hands on is allowing me to relax or enjoy myself at all

I haven't been happy since I left Portland, and it's making me nostalgic for the city even though I still think it wasn't for me

the only time in my life I've ever been truly happy was when I was with her;

which is probably why I can't let go

but the fact that she let go so quickly and easily probably means she wasn't truly happy with me;

which shoots down any chance she'd ever come back

but now we're back to this fucking moebius strip;

where my feelings want her back more than anything else but my logic doesn't want anything to do with her

I feel like a fucking maniac but I really don't know what to do anymore

I don't even know how to deal with this, let alone resolve it

and I'm happy that she's happy; but there is a vindictive part of me that wishes she wasn't

that wonders why she gets to be happy and have everything she wants while I'm just miserable

after all I ever did was try and make people happy when she constantly used people and fucked them over

urrgh

I just don't even know

I write this stuff here to try and get it out but it just comes right back

I just wish I knew what to do