"We Will Fall" 2015-11-29 - 7:25 a.m.

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One of my biggest problems with G___ is that when we were together, I shared literally everything with her; so now, there's nothing that doesn't remind me of her

even things that have only happened since we broke up have some element that can trace back to something we shared

it makes it impossible not to think about her at least once a day

I think the other biggest problem is that I still remember the good times.

All my life, I dreamt of true love,

the kind you see in the movies, the kind that consumes all; that touches and uplifts everything because even the smallest thing is better because now you have them

and for that first year, that's really what it was

I guess maybe she didn't feel the same way; but to me it was real, I can still feel it, and nothing that's happened in the intervening time has done anything to diminish it

no one can take that away from me; not even her

I used to read these books, and one of the characters made a deal with the devil for true love

so he met a woman and they were in love for ten years;

and when his time was up; the devil came to claim his soul, and he revealed that his love was really a succubus; and he dragged the man to hell

but nothing they could do to him mattered, because he'd experienced true love

so they ended up having to regurgitate him out

and that's kind of how I feel

because even if it didn't mean the same thing to her; for one year I had the kind of love that most people go their whole lives without even touching

for one year my life was perfect

and... I don't know, maybe it wasn't the same for her; maybe she only remembers the bad times, after I told her about my gender issues

maybe she just loves K___ more than me

whatever the reason I know that things are over between us

as much as I fantasize about her coming back to me, I know it won't ever happen

so I'm doing my best to move on,

I'm trying to think of her in the same way as my high school friends;

once we were really important to each other, but now we're just part of each other's history;

only relevant to each other as a momentary "hey, remember that person?"

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't

but either way, I'm leaving her alone; I'm not asking her to come back, I'm not stalking her on fb, I never even talk to her anymore.

In my conscious mind, I recognize that things are over between us for good, and we're no longer a part of each other's lives.

But it always always always catches me,

that little thing where I'm focused on something else and then it reminds me of her,

and for that split second it all comes rushing back; condensed and concentrated

the love, the fall, the hurt,

all of it, jammed into one split-second fast forward playback

I don't know, I guess I just can't believe we saw things that differently

for as close as we were, as much as we had in common; was it really that different for her?

I don't know, it's all academic anyway

I write it here because outwardly I have to have it be over

I cut off all contact with her

I can't talk to anyone else about her

I can't let her affect me anymore

It's been two years since we broke up;

and everything that happened after...

I still don't know what that was

but either way I have to let her go

I won't be that ex that tries to control her, or goes after her, or can't let her go.

She's with him now, and I'm out of her life, she's as "go" as I can let her be.

Whatever problems I'm having are mine, and no one cares to listen to them.

Just have to do my best to move on.

Find some new girl.

Easier said than done.

But still, what choice do I have?

Even so, in my most private moments, in the world behind my eyes;

I want so bad for her to prove me wrong. I want her to come back, and show me that love is real, and everything can work out, and that she really loves me the way I love her.

But that's just a dream.

I opened every door for her, put my heart on the line in every way I could; tried to show her how much I cared without being forceful.

She wasn't interested.

So there's nothing else I can do.

She's happy, and that's good. It sounds like I'm being vindictive and sarcastic but it's true.

All I ever wanted was to make her happy, and she's happy now.

I'm glad it worked out for one of us.

I wish it could've been with me, but...

oh well.

Just gotta find a way to stop letting it hurt when I think of her.

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