"Blue Lips" 2015-11-26 - 7:18 a.m.

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For almost a full week, I was feeling pretty good about G___.

I didn't think about her as much, and it didn't hurt when I did.

I was starting to think I'd crossed some kind of hump, and I could finally start getting over her and healing.

Then last night when I was getting ready for work, I was thinking about all the Thanksgiving memes I've been seeing on fb; and the thought just popped into my head:

"She might be spending Thanksgiving with his family tomorrow."

And it was that sliver of ice I always talk about. That split second panic attack that just stops me cold.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do next with my life, doing research and trying to come up with a plan;

she kept driving a freight train through it like Leo's wife in Inception.

By the time I was leaving work it had escalated into a full fledged panic attack.

I just don't get it.

It's been two years now. She's done so much shit to me that when I think about it all I actually kind of hate her. She's not even a part of my life anymore. I've been to counseling, I went to the other side of the country. I filled up a journal with "goodbye" letters to her that I never sent.

Why do I still have this knee-jerk, visceral reaction when those thoughts pop into my head?

Why are they popping into my head at all?

The worst part is I can't even imagine being in a relationship with her again.

I don't know how I could possibly hold her in my arms, or look into her eyes and just feel like everything was ok; how I could love her without reservation.

And yet all I want is for her to get in touch with me, tell me it's me and only me she loves, and she wants me back.

I almost feel like she's supernatural in some way. She's a Siren or Succubus or just plain old Witch; and she charmed or cursed me or what have you.

It's driving me crazy.

If this were real, why doesn't she feel it too; and if it's not, why do I?

I hate this. I hate myself for feeling this way.

And I am so, so, so terrified;

that I'll finally meet someone else, that I'll get my shit together and meet someone and start dating her;

and these feelings for G___ will still be there.

Jesus Christ, what would I even do?

What am I going to do now?

As if I don't have enough Goddamn problems in my life.