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"Blue Lips" 2015-11-26 - 7:18 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj For almost a full week, I was feeling pretty good about G___. I didn't think about her as much, and it didn't hurt when I did. I was starting to think I'd crossed some kind of hump, and I could finally start getting over her and healing. Then last night when I was getting ready for work, I was thinking about all the Thanksgiving memes I've been seeing on fb; and the thought just popped into my head: "She might be spending Thanksgiving with his family tomorrow." And it was that sliver of ice I always talk about. That split second panic attack that just stops me cold. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do next with my life, doing research and trying to come up with a plan; she kept driving a freight train through it like Leo's wife in Inception. By the time I was leaving work it had escalated into a full fledged panic attack. I just don't get it. It's been two years now. She's done so much shit to me that when I think about it all I actually kind of hate her. She's not even a part of my life anymore. I've been to counseling, I went to the other side of the country. I filled up a journal with "goodbye" letters to her that I never sent. Why do I still have this knee-jerk, visceral reaction when those thoughts pop into my head? Why are they popping into my head at all? The worst part is I can't even imagine being in a relationship with her again. I don't know how I could possibly hold her in my arms, or look into her eyes and just feel like everything was ok; how I could love her without reservation. And yet all I want is for her to get in touch with me, tell me it's me and only me she loves, and she wants me back. I almost feel like she's supernatural in some way. She's a Siren or Succubus or just plain old Witch; and she charmed or cursed me or what have you. It's driving me crazy. If this were real, why doesn't she feel it too; and if it's not, why do I? I hate this. I hate myself for feeling this way. And I am so, so, so terrified; that I'll finally meet someone else, that I'll get my shit together and meet someone and start dating her; and these feelings for G___ will still be there. Jesus Christ, what would I even do? What am I going to do now? As if I don't have enough Goddamn problems in my life. � � |