"The Same Old Song" 2015-11-12 - 7:34 p.m.

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I still get pangs when I think of G___.

It's been two years now since we broke up. I'm the one who dumped her. And in the intervening years she's done everything she can to prove I made the right choice.

I still have strong feelings for her. Sometimes I want her back; sometimes I hate her. A lot of times both.

The worst part is I still get these weird pangs, when it comes to her.

Something will remind me of her; something we shared, something she used to do in a videogame; a picture that reminds me of her new boyfriend.

And my breath catches, it's like this sliver of ice slides right into my heart.

It stops me in my tracks every time.

It's that kind of knee-jerk reaction that makes me wonder if maybe we're wrong, maybe there's something there.

But as I've been told, feelings don't actually mean anything.

Which, it seems like they should, when it comes to stuff like this; but...

It's not up to me. She doesn't want to be with me anymore; and there's nothing I can do about it.

And I broke up with her, and when I lay it all out logically (which I have to do, over and over, to remind myself); I stand by that decision. She was all kinds of wrong for me.

But why do I still have these feelings? Why won't they go away?

I think it's seriously driving me a little crazy.

If there's really nothing there, why am I so stuck on it, on her?

If there is something there; why is she so adamant about not giving it a chance?

Well, another chance I suppose.

It's gotta look really dumb from the outside.

I'm just another dipshit hung up on his ex.

But I've never had a problem walking away from people before.

I walked away from M_____ without hesitation.

I guess I got hung up on S____ and L____;

but even them I was able to let go of after a while.

Is that all it is?

I get hung up and having a two year relationship with G___ makes it harder to let her go?

Just something so simple and dumb?

Buh.

I hate this.

I really do.

I can't stand myself for spending so much time thinking and whining and talking about her.

I wish I could've just let her go and walked away, like I meant to.

I wish I knew why it still hurts.

I wish I knew if she felt the same way, or if she really is completely over me.

Either way I doubt she's spending any time writing about me.

*sigh*

fucking ridiculous.