"Inferno" 2014-10-28 - 10:23 p.m.

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I am 100% convinced now.

this is hell

I died at some point

maybe succeeded in one of my suicide attempts

you're either all here with me or you're just figments here to torture me

I guess that's up to you to decide

how else can you explain it?

there's only one thing that makes me feel better

and in order to get it, I have to put on a fake smile for everyone;

go to someplace and do tricks for this number

and having enough of that number is the only way to get more of the only thing that will make me feel better

it's a vicious cycle

and I see all these people

and I get close to some

less close to others

but they never really make me feel better

they're just there

and sometimes I'll get close enough to happiness to have hope

but it never actually materializes

it never follows through

I can't think of a more apt description of hell

what could possibly be worse?

physical pain?

ha

any physical pain they could inflict a person would get inured to after enough time

no matter how often they switched it up; tried new things

over an eternity there would be nothing that physically hurt you anymore

psychologically it's the same way

overt pain would eventually lose its sting

it has to be subtle

there has to be just enough hope to make you realize how bad it is for you

"what would hell be without the dream of heaven?"

the only way to achieve happiness is to put yourself through hell for it

and even then it's always hollow and un-fulfilling

it never lasts

it's all an illusions to keep you in an endless cycle of hurt and pain

because dying would be too easy

giving up would be too easy

so what's the answer?

does killing yourself pull you into a deeper layer of hell, or does it let you out?

does enduring this until you die "naturally" give you a way out, or does it just start again?

is there a right answer?

or are we all here for eternity?

what did we do to deserve this?

nobody deserves it for eternity

there's nothing you could do that would be horrible enough to earn you this forever

a hundred lifetimes, sure

but not for ever

that's a misunderstanding of the people who made religion; who didn't understand eternity

there's no one who could deserve this forever

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