"Help Me" 2014-09-07 - 11:27 p.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

I wish I wasn't getting drunk on a sunday night, when I have to work early tomorrow

I wish I wasn't in love with someone who's dating someone else

I wish my best friend wasn't also in love with her

and somehow holds that against me

or something

cause fuck knows he doesn't hang out with me anymore

it's like... he's changed so much

we used to be so close

for a decade

that's the longest relationship I've ever had with anyone

now he barely talks to me

and... he's such an asshole now

for ten years he was my best friend

the only man I trusted, the only person I would trust with my life

really, the only one

it was a big deal for me

now I can barely stand to talk to him

what the fuck?

I did right by him, I really did

I know I'm not perfect

but it wasn't me this time

he...

he did this

ha

we were exactly like Shane and Rick from Walking Dead

as cliche as it is

if I'd written a story about the three of us, I never would've ended it the way it actually ended

because it would've been too fucking cliche

but that's what happened

it breaks my heart

except I didn't stab him

sometimes I wish I had

one of the last times we actually hung out

I came out of the bathroom, and he put his gun in my hand, and pulled it to his head, and said "I'm giving you the first shot"

and I know it was loaded, cause the first thing I did was eject the magazine and empty the chamber

but God help me sometimes I wish I'd pulled the trigger

and it doesn't matter

it's not like we're surrounded by zombies

real life isn't life or death

ironically enough

and we get along ok

we don't talk anymore, at all

we never see each other outside of work

but I'm scared to go shooting with him

because I'll never forget that he said he gave me the "first" shot

and I've been shooting with him since then, and obviously I'm still here

but it seems like he's getting worse

more self righteous

more self centered

more intent on provoking confrontation

it worries me

and I want to help him

but if there's one thing about him;

that was true even in the good days

it's that he can't take help for shit

he makes you feel like you're the asshole for helping him

and I just don't know anymore

and then G____

I'm starting to feel really stupid for loving her

and it's such a fucked situation

because we went out friday

and... over time things are getting better

she's talking about dumping him more and more

and she's saying she's "dating" me now,

to see how things go

even though she's still with him

and it's like:

am I really this much of a sucker?

there's always two things that keep me from walking away though:

one: where would I go?

Seriously?

I've had three actual girlfriends my whole life

I've been over this, I'm pretty sure

but I mean, it's not like if I wasn't pining away for her I'd be getting laid and starting some new fantastic relationship

if I gave up on her I'd just be alone and bitter for years until the next chick happened to fall into my sights

and even then she'd probably be like:

"I love you, and you're so awesome, but I like this other guy too, and in the end I'm gonna choose him"

so I mean...

and two:

I've invested a lot in this

I mean, sure

maybe that's not a great reason, maybe that just happens

but seriously:

a month ago she told me she was over me and had moved on

in the past three weeks she's told me she's ready to leave him for me three times

of course, every time she goes up there to see him

and I just...

am I stupid?

is she really worth it?

all this pain, this heartache, this anxiety?

I felt the same about L_____

and S_____

who's to say I couldn't feel the same about K______?

or who-fucking-ever?

but then it just goes in circles?

and really, I guess, what does it matter?

no one's watching

who's here to tell me I'm stupid for doing this?

no one's hurting but me

and I'm gonna hurt either way

I guess if anything that sums it up:

I'm going to hurt either way

at least hoping for her, I have the hope that maybe she'd come back

there's a happy ending possible

the other way it's all misery until the next time

and... honestly I'm getting more and more scared there won't be a next time

what can I say?

I'm scared every day

that I won't ever be able to improve my situation

in every aspect

romance is a pretty small part of that

except for the fact that romance is the one aspect I may have hope for

except for the fact that she's probably fucking that dude right now and laughing at me

I hate this

I hate myself

I hate everything

she gives me hope

but then again I guess they all did

God, this is so miserable

is this really all there is?

just this, over and over?

I don't know how you all do it

how you get up every day

I don't know how I'm supposed to do it for another thirty or so years

this has got to be hell

I must have succeeded in one of my suicide attempts,

or died on one of all those occasions I came close but was "miraculously saved" as a kid

this has got to be hell

�

�