"The Last Pale Light In The West" 2014-09-01 - 3:01 a.m.

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even though this is all about G____

it really has nothing to do with her

this is all about love

I really love G____

but I really loved L____

and I really loved S_____

and if G____ rejects me too,

I'm sure there'll be another chick I love

but I don't know

this really feels like the big one

I guess the other ones did too, at the time

but this really feels different

I guess they all do

but this really has nothing to do with G____

if this doesn't work,

then love really is a lie

I really don't see the point in trying if this doesn't work

I guess I said the same thing after S_____

and after L____

it's just so ironic

guys make fun of girls for being too emotional

but guys really do mate for life

and girls just try it on and leave it

look at feminist manifestos

it's all "if a woman says no, leave her the fuck alone"

it's all so emotionless

and look, I'm not trying to force myself on anyone

I don't feel entitled to anything

if G____ didn't have feelings for me too I'd have given up

but the truth is

if she gives up on me too

then I guess I'm just gonna have to look at women as pairs of tits with a wet spot

because those are the guys that are always succesfull

and if I can try this hard for a woman and it doesn't matter

what could I possibly do?

what in the fuck could I possibly offer a woman that I haven't offered her that could possibly matter?

and I'm trying not to tell her this, because it's way too high pressure

but that's the truth

in my diary

if G___ doesn't want me,

I don't know how to look at women anymore

I've said for a long time that men and women are equal

and I have a pretty low opinion of men

if G___ doesn't love me

then love isn't real

and I guess women are just whatever

a pair of tits that can maybe get me off

and I don't want to look at the world that way

I guess that's my problem

I put women on a pedestal

I think they're so special

and I offer up my heart every time

and it just gets broken over and over

I just don't know how you all can do it

how you can look at the world and see all these potential relationships

and accept that each one is maybe great and maybe not

how you can just be ok with that

how you can deal with the hurt each time it doesn't work

it makes me feel like I'm not human

I can't handle it

I feel like that's my flaw

that's what every woman sees

is that I look at every potential relationship like "the one"

and...

you're not supposed to do that

normal people

they just go out looking to fuck someone

and if it's good maybe they look for something more

I go out looking for something more,

and if I get to fuck someone, great

and every movie I've ever seen says that a great relationship is just behind every interaction

and it's just not true

maybe G___'s the one

but if she is,

then what about L____, or S____, or all these other girls?

but what really worries me is:

what if she's not?

because if she's not it

and it really could literally be anybody...

what's the point?

it's my diary and I'll cry if I want to

if I could literally put any woman,

or man, fuck it

in her situation, or my viewpoint of her

then why try?

does that make sense?

if she's interchangeable?

what does anything matter?

I have to believe that things between us matter

because if they don't

then nothing matters

I guess that's unhealthy logic

but if I had healthy logic,

I wouldn't have been keeping a diary here for over ten years

they say insanity is trying the same thing over and over again but hoping for a different result

isn't that what dating is?

I mean, really?

is everyone just certifiably insane then?

she has to be different

because if she's not, then I'm just insane

I guess like anybody else

goddamn this noise inside my head

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