"In The Meantime" 2014-08-24 - 12:42 a.m.

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two days after my last entry, I decided to kill myself

a month ago today, apparently

I skipped dinner so I'd have an empty stomach; then drank half a bottle of whiskey, took four vicodin, and four aspirin

I told myself that if I woke up the next morning, it meant that I was supposed to live

obviously I woke up

the next day at work, I had a panic attack, looked online, and found out that sometimes it can take up to 72 hours for that shit to hit you

so I had my boss take me to the hospital

they drew blood, and found no traces of acetominaphen in my system.

Apparently, the vicodin was of such a low dose that it didn't even matter

they didn't give me anything either, no IV, not even a glass of fucking water

so apparently I was fine

but I decided that since I lived, I was going to fight for G____

and so I have been

it's been... shitty, to be perfectly honest

I've learned a lot of lessons and matured a lot

I looked back at our relationship and tried to dissect it

tried to see the bad things, and make sure I wasn't only seeing the good

and I know we had and could have something really good

and she still loves me too, so it's not just me being crazy

last friday, we were hanging out and talking

and she told me that I helped her realize "he wasn't what she wanted"

she was ready to break up for him for me

then she saw him again,

and the motherfucker bought her tickets to Disneyland for her birthday

so now we have at least another month where nothing's gonna happen while we wait for this stupid trip

and I don't know

it's made me kinda question things

but here are the things I keep coming back to, that keep me from giving up:

1- I'm always going to love G____, that's just a fact of life.

if it comes to it, then someday I might have to put that love in a box in my "emotional attic" and just take it out sometimes and sigh about "the one that got away"

but it's not gonna go away

and I can't put that love away anytime soon

believe me, I've tried

2- I suck with girls

anyone reading this diary for any amount of time can see that.

I have no luck, I suck at flirting, I suck at dating; I'm super shy.

given my current track record, my next relationship should happen about when I'm in my fifties

I mean, there's a very real chance I could end up alone forever. That's a real thing that happens to people. There's four people in my own family that have ended up alone.

So, you know, that's not why I want to be with G____; but it shoots down any argument of "what are you doing wasting your time with her?"

Any idea that this time waiting and coping with things is stupid, and I should be out looking for someone else;

no.

I won't find anyone else for a long, long time.

3- I know we could have something good.

Believe me, I've been over it and over it and round and round it in my head,

thinking of it from every which way

actively trying to focus on the flaws and problems

and they all ring hollow

it was all such minor, dumb shit

I mean, honestly with the way we act around each other we're basically dating now

and it's great

4- That relationship is not going to last.

It's just not. It's a long distance relationship, and he's only 21. Like, no fucking way.

Long distance relationships NEVER work.

and neither do relationships with 21 year olds.

I mean, maybe they could overcome one of those impossible mountains; but not both.

So it's only a matter of time until that shit falls apart.

And I'd rather she came back to me now, and ended shit with him on an understanding note;

than have to just sit around and wait like a vulture, and let things get ugly between them first.

But yeah, she's not ready to let it go.

and when I put myself in her shoes, I get it, I understand

it makes perfect sense

but it really sucks for me right now

it's made my anxiety/depression rage out of fucking control

I mean, I tried to fucking kill myself

so I made a doctor's appointment

and finally got in to see him yesterday

he put me on lexapro

so I guess we'll see how that works out.

in the meantime I'm trying to cope with everything

I mean, every time I try and let her go, I get so miserably depressed...

I'm gonna be alone for so long, and it fucking sucks that something so good can't work

and every time I say I'm going to keep fighting, I get super anxious that she's not going to choose me

it's a rock and a hard place

but at least when I'm trying, I get those little bits of hope that maybe she'll come back.

it gives me something to look forward to

which is a hell of a lot more than I've got otherwise.

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now.

*shrug*

sweet dreams