"This Isn't It" 2014-07-22 - 11:11 p.m.

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I'm not getting over G___ easily

everytime I think I've got it, something catches me off guard and it hurts the same as before

my rational mind knows

not to care

that I left her, and she wasn't that special

and etc

but there's this raw, tender emotion

my fucking stupid exposed heart

like the Tyrant from Resident Evil

just sitting out there beating for anyone to hit

I do my best to block it and act like I don't care

but the second I let my guard down...

the only thing that keeps me grounded;

is that logic

that knowledge that I'm in love with the idea of her

not actually her

she's just another chick

no better or worse than any other woman

and what always gets me, no matter how cold I try to be

is that we did have a really good relationship

that first year man,

it was really perfect

I mean...

Jesus

you couldn't ask for anything more

at least I couldn't

but I got too greedy

too lost in the fantasy

something

I told her about my gender issues

then that was it

she couldn't get over it

she basically stopped trying

and the whole time

the whole time

I understood

I get it

that's hard

fuck man, I told her

if the tables had been turned,

if she'd told me she wanted to be a man

I don't think I could've stayed

or would've

or whatever

but I thought she was different

and she did stay with me

she didn't really try anymore, after that

but she stayed

and I just can't help but think:

now

that I know that's not what I want

that's not who or what I am

we could make it work

we know what mistakes we made

we could not fall into those same traps

we could be like that first year,

maybe even better

it was... it was perfect

even she admits it

but I guess she just remembers those last two years

or still doesn't believe I'm over transitioning

or maybe she just found a new man so she doesn't give a shit one way or the other

but damn, man

like I said: the logic comes in

she's just a normal person

that relationship didn't work, so oh well

and I can't really blame her

and like I said: it's the idea

she's skinny

even now, that I'm not as interested in fat girls

because of her

she's fucking skinny

and she's not gorgeous

and she's...

human

look, the point is: I get it

she's not perfect

she's got a lot of flaws

she's not my "dream girl" by a long shot

but I just think we could really have something

and believe me,

the last two weeks, I've been trying to think of any which way to get over her

anything I can think of to wash my hands and say "fuck her"

but no matter how objective I get,

or how fanciful I get

we really had something

I keep telling myself:

"you can 'really have something' with a lot of people"

most of them

that I could really have something with

would be better for me than her

but it always comes back to:

where the fuck are they?

G___'s here, and we know it can work

but...

she's gone

she's moved on

and I have to do the same

and I meant to say, when I started writing this:

that it's the idea of her that gets me

this idealized version

that really she was nothing special

that yes, I could have that with a lot of people

and the only reason I want her is because she's here, and I already know it can work

so now that she's moved on I need to find someone else it can work with

I'm just being lazy

but I can't get over that draw

you're talking to someone, who's had three relationships his whole life

three "actual" relationships

I've had a lot of relationship-like situations

but only three actual girlfriends

the other two;

one lasted a month and I never had sex with her

one lasted a week (as an actual relationship), and even though I had sex with her twice I never came

G___ is here, and we know it can work

and I know, that it's just another relationship

and there'll be other girls who like to stay home and get drunk and watch movies

and will play videogames with me

and all the other stuff, the sense of humor, the understanding

the last one probably being the most important, actually

but given my past track record I have no confidence in finding one anytime soon

and if I'm being perfectly honest, in my own diary

all this other stuff is rationalization

I know I over-dramatize things, and have unrealistic expectations

I know this is just how relationships work

but there's that part of me

what if I've been right?

what if true love does exist?

what if I really am feeling it for her?

I'm just supposed to walk away because

"oh well, that's just how this shit works in the real world"?

Uggh

It's killing me

literally the only way I handled getting through my day today, was by telling myself I'd kill myself as soon as I got home

I really thought I was gonna do it

because I just couldn't take it anymore

and now... I'm ok I guess

I live to fight another day

but I'm really not over her

in my head I am

and I know all this stuff, that she wasn't the "best", and that she has all kinds of flaws; and that's just the way things go; and if she's seeing someone else I guess it means I don't mean as much to her as she does to me

and I know I'm way over-dramatic, and put too much importance on the simplest things

but my heart will not let her go

I really love her

and I don't know what to do

because I don't know how to fight for her any harder than I already did

and my head is sitting there telling me calmly all this shit why I shouldn't care

but even my head has to admit there's something there

even if it may not matter in the grand scheme of things

but if this is all for nothing

then true love doesn't exist

if true love doesn't exist then I've been living a fantasy

everything I've believed and the whole reason I've gotten out of bed every day is all a lie

that's what made me want to kill myself today

not G____

it's the idea that there is no adventure waiting for me

that I will never find true love

that I'm just another brutalized face sipping beer in front of the tv; fooling myself into thinking something special is out there

when all that's gonna happen to me is I'm gonna get old, and bald, and fat, and then die

maybe if I'm lucky I'll make good money

and find a girl I get along with ok

maybe squirt out a few kids

and then die

that's the best that could ever happen

if that's really it, if that's really all there is

fuck, I still want to kill myself thinking about it

G____,

I want to believe I really, truly love her

but even when I think of things in the most rational, bleak, stark reality

we could have a really good relationship if she just wanted to

but she doesn't

so I am fucked either way

all ways

rationally

emotionally

if I let her go

I lose

I think I'm over the idea of killing myself

I think I can go on another day and see how I feel then

but shit...

it really sounds like the better alternative right now

four vicodin or four aspirin

one will hopefully help with the hangover tomorrow

one will hopefully kill me

I could just take a shitload of aspirin...

I've only got four vicodin but I've got plenty of aspirin

I don't even know if four vicodin would be enough

fuuuuuuuuck

can I really keep doing this?

getting my heart broken again and again and again?

going to work like nothing's wrong?

being friends with G____ when all I want to do is love her?

keep being such an unbelievable twat?

I hate that I'm like this, and I don't ever see it getting better

my options just feel so horrible

a life of unending mundanity

suicide

or maybe it is true love; and everything's not bleak and grey and empty forever

but she's still seeing someone else!

the only way this is ever going to get better is if my brain starts to work differently

but if it does,

am I still me?

what's better, to alter myself to survive or to just end it?

Jesus Christ, man

I didn't sign up for this

fuck, I didn't even get a choice

I was just born

heir to generations of mental disease, and the son of a military father with plenty of issues of his own

and thirty years later here I am

fuck man,

maybe the world is better off without me

you'll know if I kill myself cause I'll be back for my "suicide note"

otherwise this is just more shithead whining

I'm sorry

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