"hashtag yolo" 2014-07-19 - 11:28 p.m.

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So, I guess G___ and I are finally over.

A couple days after my last depressed entry she made it official she's seeing someone else.

I didn't handle it well.

I did my usual "freak out and beg her to come back while at the same time saying I understand why she wouldn't want to" trick

it's reaaaally sexy.

But as usual it didn't work.

She's spending three days with him right now.

I don't know.

In the end I did the exact same thing I did with S____, just swallowed my heart whole and shut down for a little bit.

It still stings.

but it's fading

I mean, I don't think I'll ever completely get over the fact that I put sooo much work into that relationship. Taught her to drive, gave her her first car, got her to finally grow up; get her shit together; realize she actually has to put effort into relationships;

and now she's taken all that and is using it with someone else

meanwhile I'm back here typing in this stupid thing

all that work and effort I put in down the drain

and now she's moving on to better things

only because I helped her realize how she can make them better.

That pisses me off.

But life just doesn't work that way.

The whole time I was flipping the fuck out she never lashed out back at me. She handled it all extremely calmly, which just made it even harder, really.

And now she's still pushing really hard to be friends.

She comes from this weird world where she's still friends with all her exes.

I'm not used to that.

I'm used to getting my heart broken and then just hate hate hate forever.

I don't know.

Even now that I'm basically over it all;

there's still part of it that wants to be like

"fuck this and fuck you and go to hell"

but really, what the fuck?

I mean, even if she gets in a huge fight with this new guy these next couple days

[which I'm ashamed to admit I am kinda hoping for]

and then comes back and is like: "you were right, I do love you, let's get back together!"

I don't even know if I want that.

It doesn't hold the same appeal it did two days ago.

I really don't know what would make me happy right now.

I mean, if she breaks up with this guy, or were single too; would that make me feel better?

Would it help me if she saw how bad I was hurting and got really miserable and depressed?

Would I feel better if we weren't friends, and I was just sitting here stewing in impotent hate while she was off dating this new guy regardless and just not talking to me at all?

I mean, I don't really want to be friends with her,

but I don't really not want to either

and I could use friends right now.

M_____ and I basically don't talk at all anymore.

And he's about to get his car back, so I won't be giving him rides to and from work anymore;

so I wouldn't be surprised that once that happens we literally don't talk at all

and I like S____ but the truth is we're just not that close

and my Tempe friends, who I always thought were there for me

I've been getting the real strong sense lately that they're like "yeah, we should hang out soon"

as in like, not now

you know?

that kinda like: "I don't want to friend breakup with you, but I don't want to hang out with you either"

I asked on fb today what was going on up there cause I was considering driving up

didn't get a single response; on fb or personally

so that's kind of a "hmm : " moment

So if I tell G___ to fuck off, I'm really going to be alone

that's what really hurt me about the whole thing

not so much that she didn't want me;

it's that true love doesn't exist

I really thought she was different, that we really had that connection you see in movies

it all seemed to line up

just after S____ had broken my heart, and I had given up on true love

she came along

and we were so perfect for each other

but no

there is no true love

there is no true friendship

no one that will have your back and be there for you absolutely through it all forever and ever

that hurts so bad

and I wanted to rage against it so hard

it just couldn't be true

and so I took it all out on her

she had to love me, because otherwise there was no true love

and to her credit, she didn't bat an eye

and ironically today I got some good advice from Grandma Flexington

[in Borderlands 2]

"the way they show love in the movies is terrible. You chase somebody forever because it's 'meant to be'. In real life that just makes you a stalker. You know whether you like someone immediately."

I'm paraphrasing.

But it's true.

I was so mad at G___, at M_____ for just using me and leaving

for putting themselves first; and only being with me for as long as I was making them happy, and then leaving when I didn't instead of trying to fix it

but that's just the way normal people are

I'm the only one looking for something that transcends life and time;

or rather, the only one who doesn't realize how ridiculous that is.

I keep putting everyone else first, and doing all this shit I don't want to do to make them happy, in the hopes they'll do the same for me

and they never do

and I keep blaming them; when I just have to accept that no one else does that

I'm guilty of it less and less as I get older

I'm putting forth less effort

turning away from people instead of breaking my back to make them happy

which sucks

but I just can't keep trying to make everyone else happy

because I can't

and it's not making me happy either

the trouble is the less I work for other people; and the more I put myself first

I'm finding myself more and more alone

I'm a homebody

all I really like to do is stay home and play videogames

or read

or watch movies

I actually really like being alone

and that has me really worried about the future

because what goal am I working towards?

and I kept hoping for a woman who would compliment me perfectly

she'd get me to go out and do stuff; and round me out as a person

but at the same time be happy to stay home and play videogames with me

and I have to accept the fact that that's just not gonna happen

perfection does not exist in nature; especially when something as ephemeral as emotions are involved

It doesn't leave me very hopeful for the future

at all

but... what else am I gonna do?

I don't think I'll ever actually kill myself

I feel like I keep getting closer and closer

but I haven't even attempted in a while, so who knows?

until then I just gotta keep moving forward

and I'm finding that the thing I miss most about G____

is nothing specific to her

I just miss having someone to cuddle with

someone to be on the couch next to me as we watch Netflix

It was nice having someone to come home to, someone to sleep next to

the rest of the time I'm actually pretty happy to be alone and only responsible for myself

but what I mean to say is: that could be anybody

there's no reason any fucking random chick at a bar can't snuggle against me on the couch as we watch a show I like

finding similar taste in shows would be the only real requirement in that case

realistically I don't think I could date a girl that doesn't play videogames

but that seems to be a pretty tall order

I mean, really;

there's all this discussion in the nerd community about "girl gamers" and "girls play videogames too!"

but go out into the world and talk to people and it seems like girl gamers are about as hard to find as fucking Yeti

maybe I should go to Comic Con or something

then again we all know that just going up and talking to people is not my strong suite

it's literally my weakest suite

but all this is to say:

G___ and I are friends now, I guess?

and I'm not happy about it, but I can't think of a better alternative, so by default I'm ok with it

I wish I could stop wishing for shit I can't have

the other day at work;

this guy, he was making fun of another guy; just giving him shit

and he said: "gay guys, they live a fairytale life, that's what I call it. Because you'll never be a woman; every time you look in the mirror you see a big schlong hanging there. You're living in a fairytale!"

And he was just trying to be an asshole, but that sadly about sums up the way I feel.

I'm so happy for people who can transition successfully, and who feel like that expresses who they are inside; and people who can be Gender Queer, and Gender Fluid, and all this other stuff.

I respect that, and I'm really glad it works for them.

But it just doesn't work for me.

I like the little saying "biology is not destiny"

but I can't make that leap in my head

I can't get over it.

I mean, the huge fucking price tag doesn't help

but I'm too much of a realist

I feel like no matter what I do; no matter what operations I have or hormones I'm pumped with; or what's in my head or my "heart";

I will always be a man pretending to be a woman

and I don't identify with other men at all

I've never fit in; I don't identify with the "male" gender stereotypes

dressing as a woman and thinking of myself as such makes me happy

but the fact is I'm male

I mean, all that shit's relative anyway

the way your physical form is shaped has no bearing on who you are as a person

it's all societal pressure and nonsense

but more and more I'm wondering if the whole reason I'm so obsessed with the idea, is because it seems unobtainable

if that's just what I want:

to be a woman

to find true love

to travel the stars in my own ship and go on adventures

even my sexual fetish, that it's literally impossible for me to get aroused without thinking about; is physically impossible

literally, physically impossible

and even the closest real quasi-equivalent doesn't do anything for me

so I've been wondering: is that all it is?

all this stuff?

this unending desire for what I can never have?

because what I think of what I want in real life, that is actually obtainable? It's frighteningly pathetic

I want my own space to read and play videogames

I could accomplish that right now

in some ways you could say I already have

so then what? does that mean I'm done?

did I "win" life?

what's the point of even trying?

to get bigger rooms; more books; fancier videogames?

It's so miserable it makes me want to put my gun in my mouth right fucking now

so I don't know, that's what I'm dealing with lately

I guess I'm just friends with G___

I'm as surprised as anyone

K_____ is coming back to town

either tomorrow or the day after

God only knows what's gonna happen there

I still have no idea if she just sees me as a friend or if we've actually been flirting a little bit and if it might grow

to this day I can't tell flirting if you hit me over the head with it

but yeah

after all this shit with G____, I'm not sure I even care

I have to face some harsh realities about what I want out of myself and other people

so if K_____ wants to date me, I won't say no

but if not I don't think I'll feel too bad

watch, my dumb ass will be back here in two weeks going: "K_____ broke my heart! I can't take this anymore and wanna kill myself!"

but anyway

I'm really wondering about what kind of person I am

what I want and who I am and what I want to do

about anything and everything

I always tell myself that getting drunk alone and really letting the depression in is a good way to self-analyze

to look at yourself harshly and clearly and understand what's really looking back at you

but at almost thirty years old I suddenly feel like I don't know myself at all.

and I always compare myself to other people, and feel like I'm lower that them, I torture myself with it

suddenly I'm wondering if I know fuck all about other people

if maybe I should try and be more like them

because really all this time I've been torturing myself saying I'm lower than them; but also thinking I'm really better than them

because I've been "true to myself" and never compromised and etc and etc

and really, what has it gotten me?

am I happy?

is there some reward waiting for me for always putting others first?

have I even been doing that?

if I've really been completely selfless in putting other people first,

why do I feel so cheated that I haven't been rewarded for it?

is anyone even judging?

what's the metric they're using?

what's the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

fuck man, I don't know.

I'm really gonna try and stop thinking for a while.

even though I think of my mind as the only thing I've really got that's worth a shit

G___'s new boyfriend's grandmother told her: "let go and let God"

and she somehow felt touched by that

I think it's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life

and the fact that she felt touched by it made me lose so much respect for her

it's actually helping me get over her, because the G___ I knew, or thought I knew, would have been laughing at that shit with me

I mean, not in front of the grandma cause that's disrespectful, but what a ridiculous thing to say

etymologically it's a terrible fucking saying

and it's soooooooooooooooo cliche

and the message is retarded

whether you believe in God or not it's just such a cop out

it's useless data, white noise

-----

as you can tell I've fixated on it somewhat

but anyway, fuck it, let's do it

I've apparently been wrong about everything so far

I mean, fucking, e v e r y t h i n g

so let's go

brain off, no thinking

c'mon God, show me watcha got

take over for me, show me your plan, my life is in your loving hands

*gag*

uggggh

ok, for real though,

letting go

seeing what happens

for real

I'm gonna be perfect starting... now

I'm gonna be perfect starting........ now

I'm gonna be perfect starting.....

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