"Feel Good Hit Of The Summer" 2011-06-08 - 3:51 a.m.

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so,

I don't get it

as I so often start these

I meet these people

and they put so much faith in me

they say I'm such a good person

and...

what do I say to that?

I mean, I guess, yeah

I'm faithful motherfucker

but...

God, I don't get it

that's not a curse, that's a genuine querulous statement

half my life was spent failing people and letting them down

the other half I'm apparently awesome?

I mean, I just want to tell these people:

run, far away

"And All That Could've Been" by Nine Inch Nails sums up my life

or at least I thought it did

but I have people coming out of the woodwork telling me I'm awesome

and...

what do I say?

"I'll try my best."?

"I'm ok, I guess."?

I mean, shit, I guess I am a good friend

but can no one see it's like befriending a fucking monster

I'm the most loyal monster you'll ever meet, but I'm still a monster

I don't know

I've done alright with the friends I've got

shit, even my friends from college; I'm actively avoiding them

much to my chagrin

and they still count me as a close friend

am I really that good of a friend?

the thing is:

ok, I'll accept I'm someone you want to know, I'm a great guy, etc

but if that's true

if there's a reason all these people trust me and rely on me

why won't a fucking woman do it?

I mean, fair enough

I guess I am the greatest friend you could ever have

and so I meet these girls, and they want me as a friend; because I'm great at that

but none of them realize that would translate?

fuck man

I'm so sick of bitching about this

I hate it

I mean, yeah,

the point of this was:

someone else I met trusts me a lot

and I feel guilty

but, now that I'm starting to get some confidence in myself:

I can say: "ok, I'll back that up; you are not investing your trust in vain"

I'm not as confident in my ability to back it up

but Goddamnit, I'll try

but it just pisses me off that people always put that trust in me as a friend

it's not a Goddamn girl

who wants me as something more

never

fuck

I know better than to punch shit

but Goddamnit

Goddamnit

we'll throw it all away

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