"Starlight" 2011-06-04 - 3:05 a.m.

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I'll tell you what I don't get.

Up until a few months ago;

I lived my life under the impression that I was hideously ugly.

I thought that I was so bad at being a person, that my friends were doing me a favor by hanging out with me.

That I was so ugly, and so miserable, and so untalented, that I was a waste of flesh; and that every second I breathed was a waste of air for someone, anyone, who was better than me.

So when girls didn't want me, or friends fucked me over; I should've been grateful that they took the time.

This was a life-long belief, that I held, near and dear to my heart; right next to "the sky is blue".

But after years of getting fucked up and asking my closest friends what was wrong with me,

I gradually let them convince me that I'm actually good looking.

That I'm fun to be around.

After years of treating them like shit, only to have them keep calling me to try and get me to hang out;

I let them convince me that I'm a worthwhile person

so what I don't get is:

after coming to accept this belief;

that I'm not some hideous mutant unworthy of human interaction

that I'm a real person

who's talented, and attractive, and etc

I still can't get a girl to give me the time of day

I mean, to be fair, maybe I just don't recognize it

I'm notorious for not understanding flirtation

but...

I see girls all day at my fucking job

admittedly, not date material

but none of them flirt with me

when I ask a girl out I still get nothing

and I mean,

which one is it, universe?

I'm either an average mutant or a fucked person

at least when I thought I was a mutant I was doing ok

as a "real person" I'm batting in the negatives

and admittedly, there are no single women in this city

all the girls my age who are still here are here because they started a fucking family before they hit their twenties and they're stuck

so maybe in a bigger city I'd do better

but fuck if it isn't disheartening

I mean, Jesus

I haven't had sex in a year

I haven't had a meaningful relationship in much longer

that can't be normal

yeah, I don't get out much;

and I have severe confidence issues

which is the most attractive thing in the world to women

but still...

that's not normal

so let me rant about women

because fuck it, who cares?

apparently confidence is more important to women than looks, talent, intelligence, quality as a fucking human being; whatever

my friends, almost all of which have girlfriends by the way, fucking called it

single women make serial killers look sane

any guy who comes up and talks to them they spit on like fucking beggars at the queen's litter

they say they're looking for the perfect man, but they turn down great fucking guys who can't beat their Goddamn Castlevanian defences

and then they end up with some shitbag who hits them and/or knocks them up and leaves them

I have the utmost respect for women

but it's hard to keep that going, when I know so many women who are single mothers; or stuck with guys who treat them like shit

and I'm still single

and if you want some direct context, as to what kicked off this rant:

I asked this girl out recently

she's kinda cute, and she seemed like she might be cool

but she didn't answer her phone when I called her to go out

and...

I guess it was kinda cool that I wasn't in love with her first

that was a nice change of pace

usually I get to know a girl, and I fall in love with her; and by the time I let her know how I feel she already knows, but she still doesn't want me

and it fucking kills me

but this time it was kind of nice

she seemed cool, so I asked her out

and that was it

it was so refreshing to just be like, "well, fuck that bitch"

and you know, I don't care that she doesn't want me

whatever

but it fucking kills me that I can't get a fucking date to save my life

I mean, objectively, for fuck's sake

maybe I'm not the best looking motherfucker ever

but I'm not hideous

and I'm smart, and I'm funny, and I'm talented

and maybe I lack confidence, but come on

once you get to know me, you know who I am

and I'm really this painfully single?

NO ONE is interested in dating me?

Maybe I'm not the greatest guy in the world, but for fuck's sake

It fucking hurts man

I'll be tough all day long

but here, where it's just me...

fuck that hurts

and I'll tell you on thing I am sick to fucking death of for the rest of my life:

fucking girls I'm friends with telling me: "you'll find someone"

90% of them I've tried to date, and they weren't interested,

but they're fucking SURE I'll find someone

I fucking hate that

"you're not good enough for me, but I'm sure you'll find someone who's pathetic enough to be with you"

fuck you

I hate that shit

If I'm such a great guy, why don't YOU date me?

Goddamnit

I'm gonna end up a serial killer

I'm gonna be the oldest serial killer on record too

I'm gonna hold all this shit inside, and keep hoping I find someone; and by the time I finally break and kill a prostitute, I'll be like fifty-something

it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like I deserved it somehow

which is probably another symptom of serial-killeropathy

honestly, if anything I wish I could kill all these guys who knock some chick up and abandon her, or beat their girlfriend, or etc

but I guarantee, even if I did some kind of women's rights holocaust and killed all the assholes;

it'd work out to 2 billion women in the world and 2 billion and one men

and I'd be that one

I am really drunk,

shit, I have work tomorrow

life is but a dream

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