"needle in the hay" 2011-05-05 - 4:22 a.m.

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oh, hello self-loathing, there you are

I can't say I missed you; but it is oddly comforting to know you're right there, always waiting

just kidding

it drives me out of my mind

everything I want to do, it's me stopping me

I bitch all the time about girls

but the truth is: I'm good looking, and I'm a great guy, and I'm charming and etc.

if I really tried, I could have any girl I wanted

I want to be a musician

and I'm talented enough I could make it happen

I want to be a writer

same thing

I want to be a better friend

and... I can be a really great friend

it's just...

me

Jesus

if any single fucking person in the world told me I couldn't do something I wanted to do

fuck them, and fuck that

I'll bang my head against that wall until it breaks or there's nothing left of me

but the only thing standing between me and all these things I want to do is me

and I can't fucking beat that

the frustration is impossible to describe

it's not like those videogames where the "evil" you is drawn out and laid before you as a darker version of yourself, and you get to fight them

in real life it's just you

and you're fucking blessed if you can tell where the good you starts and the bad you begins

if the rationale behind this decision is which version of you talking

I have to fight it just to leave the house now

just to leave the fucking house

fucking Christ

at least that's an easy one

to identify, I should say

identifying is actually pretty easy most of the time

doesn't make it easier to fight

if there was ever a rationale for my drinking, that's it

it's my attempt to break down my barriers, and my inhibitions; and to stand face to face with myself, on even ground, and work this shit out

honestly it works, sometimes

it worked like gangbusters with S____

but it's not like I ever really defeat me

I'm always there, stopping myself

and, you know, how do you live with that?

sure, it's easy enough to characterize your worse tendencies as a separate personality that you're doing battle with

and make it sound dramatic

but that fight just does not end

that's what I've always envied of others

if they're having the same fight as me;

either they're winning; or they're doing so well it doesn't show

fuck me, everybody I know has to know I'm having this struggle

not that they care

that's a separate issue

but I'm not hiding this well

my heart isn't just on my sleeve, I throw it at people

and you know, like I always say:

nobody cares

nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody

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