"bloodied up" 2011-04-14 - 4:03 a.m.

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so, I bitch all the time about how I have no one to talk to

well, last weekend, I actually broke down and talked to one of my friends

my closest friend, to be honest

turns out it didn't feel so good

I'd planned what I would say if I ever got to talk about my parents

and...

I got so lost in it I actually hit him, proving my point

I felt so bad about hitting him it kinda took the piss out of the rest of it

and...

maybe I'm wrong

maybe it's just because I hit him, and there's a constructive way to talk about it that would make me feel better

but the point I took away from it is:

nothing good comes of talking about it

it didn't make me feel any better

I didn't feel absolved

fucking being raised Catholic

they build all that guilt shit into you, train you to confess

whatever

I guess I'll just never let it show

and when I eventually kill myself, I won't leave a note; and everyone will wonder why

I seemed so happy

there's no resolution for me

I just have to hope whatever girl I end up with gets off on beating me up as much as I get off on getting beaten up

because Freud was right after all

Goddamnit

but yeah, I texted L____ a couple times lately

drunk as fuck of course

I like to think she knows me well enough to know it's becuase I can't say anything serious without my inhibitions destroyed

but somehow I doubt it

but yeah, she doesn't care anymore

I don't blame her

she was all over me back in the day

and I said no

and now I'm crawling back

same old story

I do this a lot

I really think I could've had feelings for her

but obviously she's over me

and I don't blame her

and...

fuck, I don't even know anymore

I should write an autobiography told from the perspectives of my friends, where I'm just a secondary character in each segment

that'd be pretty interesting novel, that's a good hook

I mean, to get super cliche about it:

how can I ask people to be a part of my life, when I don't want to be a part of it?

no one can love you until you love yourself

etc

I love myself two, three times a day

I don't get what they're talking about

*trombone fill*

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