"Macaque" 2011-04-07 - 3:36 a.m.

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S____ got married today.

It seems like years ago I was killing myself that she was engaged to someone else.

It seems like another person that was having dreams about her and sweating the fact that some day she might marry this guy.

The only reason I'm getting drunk and depressed is that I have the day off work tomorrow; and I'm always depressed.

the only reason I mention it is for anyone following my "narrative".

If I gave a shit about anyone it would be L____;

but I'm relatively certain she's over me

or at the very least, she doesn't want to hear my drunken bullshit

which is a shame, because it's all I've got

what disturbs me,

what outright fucking scares me

is that it's not getting better

my life is a million times better than the first time I wrote in this diary

Goddamn near a decade ago

ha ha

but I don't feel any fucking better

it still hurts just as Goddamn bad

it's not getting any better

and yeah, I'll bitch all day about how I might as well be in high school again

but Jesus

I've done so many things since then

realistically I've improved so much

I'm just going through a ridiculously long rough patch

and even though I don't feel as worthless as I used to,

I... don't feel any better about myself

it still hurts just as bad

it still eats me fucking up inside

and...

what the fuck could I possibly do?

at this point?

I mean, I guess that's proof that it's clinical

and so getting pills would be the answer

but I can't afford pills

so I'm just fucked

I will feel this way until I can afford pills

and if I ever forget to take them it'll be right there waiting

lucky me

God, it just, it hurts so bad

and it's always there

it's worse than my stomach

and it won't ever go away

I guess on the upside I can stop blaming my parents

not that they were fucking perfect

but I mean, is it really supposed to make me feel better?

I've fucked up my whole life because of this hurting inside

and...

great, it's clinical

there's no real cure, just treatment of the symptoms

just like my stomach

I guess the upside is: unlike my stomach, they can treat this

I just can't afford it

so, go me

I'm a non-functional piece of shit every single day without medical help

captain fantastic

and, you know, 90% of the time, whatever

despite what I said I am actually functional

what really gets me is that at 3 or 4 AM when I'm drunk and feeling like this

the only one who will listen is this text-entry box

my closest friends couldn't be fucking paid to sympathize with me

not even the "love of my life"

although I established earlier in this entry that was a crock

is it really that repugnant to ask for help?

I mean, I know we all understand that we're all fucked up

and everyone knows I'm not fucking stable

but no one cares to help me when I need it?

when I really need it?

fuck

and I'll tell you what you get

you get away from me

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