"hall of mirrors" 2011-04-03 - 5:12 a.m.

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I find it hard to talk to people.

I'm exceptionally distant.

once you get to know me I'm a great guy, I'll talk to you all day long

and if I don't give a fuck about you, I'll make small-talk alright

honestly I'm not even that great at that

but I just hope that my problems are as obvious as I feel like they are

it is so very hard for me to get close to people

it's a long, long process

and...

I don't know when it's appropriate to hug, or share something personal, or whatever

so I won't

you have to initiate it

unless you make progress in our relationship, I'll just assume you don't want to and leave you alone

and I hope, that people realize that's my issue

so when I don't give the reaction they want, or I think they feel is expected, they know it's me and my bullshit

not that I don't like them, or whatever

I'm just... fucked up

I don't like it

but it's been ten years now, and I can't fucking fix it

and I hope the people who know me can see it

because God, I must really look like a prick to people who don't get it

and I am a prick to people I don't care about

I'm good with that, that's actually kinda purposeful

but I can come off as kind of a prick to people I care about too

and... I hope they can pick up that I'm not trying to be

is it this hard for everybody?

or for other fucked up people at least?

even when you come to like and then care about someone, to show it...

I...

either you get it or you don't, I guess

I'm so far removed from everyone

and...

I'm sorry

who cares?

who understands?

Jesus, I hope someone does

but if they do they haven't told me

this is not the man I wanted to be

but it's who I'm stuck with

when I try to explain it it just seems to make it worse

so I guess no one does understand me

but for a second, can I please believe-

that people could know me enough, to get my fucked up shit, and to understand how I am; and to understand that I'm doing the best I can?

because if they don't...

if nobody at all gets it...

I guess there's no point in even trying then, is there?

and that's all I've got left, is that I'm trying

oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oooh

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