"Mr Self Destruct" 2011-03-30 - 5:20 a.m.

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you know what bothers me?

ten years ago, when I was back in high school

I decided that Nine Inch Nails' song "And All That Could've Been" held a strong connection for me

specifically the line:

"happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me"

and now, ten years down the line, it seems just as true as it did back then

ten fucking years

shit, back then, I planned to move out of my parents' house as soon as I turned eighteen

like, that day

I figured I'd be a rock star by now, right about the age to die of a heroin overdose

I figured I'd at least be on my own, with a girlfriend, and a good job, and if nothing else my own fucking family

now, shit, ten years have passed

and I moved out for a while

and I was in a band

and I've had girlfriends

but I'm still back at here at my parents' house, basically in the same situation I was back then

except I'm not in school anymore; and my job sucks; and I've got no prospects; and I'm buried well over my head in debt

it's worse, really

everything I tried and did got me nothing

except to make it worse

I guess my sister got it right

just never try at all, then you break even

and I guess happiness and peace of mind never were meant for me

I whine in here all the time about how horrible my life is

but this is like, 1/20th of me as a person

this is me at my lowest

I have a whole life outside of this

what bothers me is that I keep coming back here

you know the art isn't gone