"Motorcycle Emptiness" 2011-03-20 - 5:38 a.m.

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so, last time I was drunk, I messaged S____ on facebook

she called a mutual friend and got my number, and has talked to me a little bit

as if nothing changed

if there's ever been a convincing argument to stop drinking, I think that's it

I have to admit, ever since she texted me again, I began to fantasize that she had broken up with her fiance; and that she was suddenly interested in me

even though I have no real desire to be with her

fuck, I don't even know if I want to be her friend

it's the conundrum I've faced my whole life, really

you know, a perfect example

in this particular situation

am I being the bigger man by inviting her back into my life?

or a huge pussy?

and fuck, I'm keeping her at arm's length

but I miss when we were friends

and as I've already confessed: I've had fantasies about her being interested in me still

even though... I don't think I'm interested in her

shit, I still kinda hate her

I'm... losing this fight

with myself

with life in general

every decision I make is wrong

everything I do comes out bad

the only time I feel right, and sometimes not even then

is when I'm drunk

but that makes me an alcoholic

and as I stated at the beginning: I do dumb shit when I'm drunk

I just can't see what's out there for me

I'm smart, funny, talented, capable, good looking; the whole shebang

and I'm pissing it away

whether I'm drunk, sober, mean, kind...

every decision I make is wrong

I want to kill myself

because nothing I do is ever right, and I don't believe this will ever get better

but I don't have the balls

so I'll suck it up, and be hungover at work tomorrow, and I'll cross my fingers and hope that things will get better

that maybe next time I try it'll work

because, you know, apparently tomorrow's another day or some shit

S____ responded to my message, but L____ didn't

guess I failed that one

really and truly

damn

the plague that made me starve

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